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Post by dara1012 on Aug 9, 2013 7:14:47 GMT -6
Tomorrow is the start of my extended family's annual week at the lake. We started going with just my immediate family when I was 8 and a few years later my mom's sister joined us and then my mom's brother and his family. This week has been an important part of my life for 25+ years.
Last night DH told me that he isn't coming. Originally the plan was that he was coming for Sat-Wed and now he isn't coming at all. I feel hurt. I explained why it was important to me, why I want him there and then DH gets upset and says that he'll do what I make him do, which then makes things stressful. He's an adult I don't want to "make" him do anything and definitely don't want him there and resenting me or my family for "making" him be there.
So now it sits that he's not going, I'm still hurt and will spend the first 2 days of vacation trying to explain to my family why he isn't there (when I don't really understand it myself). I just want to cry.
I would understand if he had a big work project that made it impossible to come, but the reason he stated was he needs to "be alone and think about things". So I don't even know if he'll be working while we are gone.
I tried to explain that last weekend when I wanted alone time, I sucked it up and went to the in-laws. I just wish he would compromise and come for a few days. And I don't want to feel hurt the whole time. Any suggestions for getting over that?
Thanks for listening.
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Post by irish on Aug 9, 2013 7:36:59 GMT -6
I'm sorry you're feeling that way, Dara. (((hugs))) to you dear! I can understand his POV about wanting alone time, especially when it's a week long getaway with lots of people around (family or not). However, I DO think that he should concede a little and at least go for part of the week. I don't have suggestions on getting over your hurt feelings, other than to try and focus on the fun times that you'll be having with your family...easier said than done, right? Good luck hun!
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Post by bunsy on Aug 9, 2013 7:37:12 GMT -6
Oh goodness. Your feelings are SO valid. That is very hurtful. You're right that it really would be miserable if you "forced" him to go. It's sad that he doesn't want to spend some fun time with you and DS. I did have quite a few years while raising kids that I just had to go and do the fun stuff with the kids--DH seldom wanted to join us. I decided to look at it as HE was missing out the time, the fun, the memories with the kids. I couldn't change that. During that period, he would have spoiled our fun rather than add to it with his negative attitude.
Go. Have fun. Make memories with DS. Enjoy your family. The questions? Easy. He decided not to come. It isn't your job to explain for him. If they want to know why he isn't there, they can call him. Just shut that subject down immediately.
Enjoy your vacation.
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Post by sarahisis on Aug 9, 2013 7:39:52 GMT -6
With us, when we take trips to NY to see my family, I know my dh doesn't want to go really... not because h doesn't love them but because he gets more stressed being around them lol they are high energy and we are go go go most of the time there. I think because dhs job is so stressful he prefers a vacation where he does not have to socialize and can just relax. That's why I go alone with the kids sometimes... just to give him some time to decompress... and it is actually good for me too... a reprieve from house duties and stuff. I'm sorry you are hurt!!
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Post by fungirls on Aug 9, 2013 8:54:34 GMT -6
Your feelings are definitely valid, and I'm so sorry that they are hurt. I agree it is an odd predicament to be in and uncomfortable for you as you go through it. I like Bunsy's answer. Hopefully you know what he needs to "be alone and think about" and there's not a bigger issue there. If so, I hope you can work through it.
Enjoy your time - it will be better to not pressure him and have him ruin the fun you and DS can have and enjoying the time with your family. It's important to you and something you look forward to, so don't let his crabby pants ruin your fun!
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Post by onlyoneboy on Aug 9, 2013 11:07:31 GMT -6
Sorry to hear sweetheart. Always makes me worried when the say the need time to think about things.
Go and have fun with your family and DS. It's DH that will be missing out.
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Post by sarahisis on Aug 9, 2013 11:12:07 GMT -6
I really think men need more "me" time than women do... and if your dh is introverted, large groups of people... even family may wear him out more than he's able to have fun!
If ya need to go get a drink lemme know!!
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Post by sarahisis on Aug 9, 2013 11:12:26 GMT -6
I really think men need more "me" time than women do... and if your dh is introverted, large groups of people... even family may wear him out more than he's able to have fun!
If ya need to go get a drink lemme know!!
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Post by ReneeW on Aug 9, 2013 12:22:22 GMT -6
Oh, I'm so sorry about this situation. It is very tough. I agree that it would be great if he could join in, even for a day or two. Maybe he could even spend part of that time alone, fishing or doing something outdoors that he likes to do. BUT if he's decided that he really needs to be alone for a while, and that's what he needs, emotionally, mentally, then there's not much you can do. If I were in your shoes, I think I'd tell him, "OK, you're an adult and you know what you need. I'll miss you, I love you and I support you and want what's best for you." And then let it go.
Now for the hard part, which is your feelings. You have every right to feel hurt, my goodness! But I agree that you should focus on DS, your family, and that you won't have to worry about whether or not your DH is having fun etc. Try to focus on the positive and the fact that your DH is having some much-needed time to decompress or whatever it is that he's needing at this time. It's a disappointment, but it is what it is and he is going to miss out on lots of fun.
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Post by laurac on Aug 9, 2013 14:00:20 GMT -6
I don't blame you one bit for being hurt. Did he tell you what 'things' he wants to think about? More times than not my DH has not come either and then it's awkward to explain why he's not there. 'Um, because he's being a baby??' has always WANTED to be my answer. When your family asks, say, I don't know *shrug* but I'M here and he's missing out! It will be on your mind the whole time. I always thought because something means so much to me then it should to him, too. Because he loves me. And I do stuff I don't want to do because it means a lot to him and I love him. Unfortunately, their brains don't work that way and men are selfish beings, IMO. Love and hugs to you, Deb <3 Enjoy your new tablet and your little boy!
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Post by bunsy on Aug 9, 2013 14:10:59 GMT -6
AND....... Boys are dumb.
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Post by laurac on Aug 9, 2013 14:14:48 GMT -6
AAAND...Boys are dumb.
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Post by dara1012 on Aug 9, 2013 14:29:23 GMT -6
Thanks for the support ladies! It helps to have it off my chest and feel supported. Yes boys are dumb! I'm not worried about him "thinking about things" after our talk this morning. Things are fine between us and he said what he wants to think about are his job (he isn't happy with it right now) and potentially going back to school. Sarah - you hit the nail on the head. He is introverted and my family is a bit overwhelming (always on the go, there will be 16 of us in one house, etc. His explanation was he likes my family but he feels like he had too much in June (we had something 3 weekends in a row with my extended family). I still wish he would come for a few days, but we'll have fun either way.
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Post by laurac on Aug 9, 2013 14:46:26 GMT -6
And you know, Deb, all you really want is an explanation. Not the 'I need time to think' because that just freaks us out.
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Post by dara1012 on Aug 9, 2013 15:03:38 GMT -6
Yup. Last night when he said "I need to think about things" I think of all the bad things that he could be thinking about.....why couldn't he just explain things more right away....though I still think it's lame he's skipping the trip.
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