When you don't want the kids to know

[sharon]

When I was a kid and my parents didn't want my sibs and me to know what they were saying, they would speak in Yiddish. I couldn't understand them, but I knew that "kinderlach" meant children, so they were talking about us.

Tina and I used to spell things, but now that Ian is spelling better and better, we can't anymore. So, now we text each other when we want to tell the other one something without him hearing.

Did your parents have a way of talking secretively in front of you? Do you and your spouse/partner?

[mickeymk]

My parents were divorced so not that I'm aware.

There are times that I want to tell dh stuff but dd is present so I have to wait. I love the texting idea however, he doesn't text We do need to come up with a way to solve this...

[ladyandrearose]

For now we can spell. I haven't figured out anything past that yet.

[sharon]

He's not there yet but eventually Ian and I will be able to speak Hebrew when we dont want Tina to know what we are saying.

[love]

Can I ask what you need to not have them hear? We have an open door policy in this house and no secrets (unless yes it is a surprise or something) but other then that I do not find it okay in this house to be "hiding" things from DS. I guess we are weird but we don't believe in it, if it is something bad that we don't think he should hear then I doubt we should be saying it??
Maybe I need an example?

[sharon]

While I agree with you to a point about not keeping secrets, not everything is appropriate for children either and I do believe in protecting my son from things that are not appropriate for him. So in our house there are adult topics that are not for him.
When these things are a longer discussion, then we save them for when he is asleep, but sometimes something is quick and more time sensitive. Today it was helping out his grandma, who was distraught that, due to a family emergency, Ian's Chanukah gift was not yet sent and she was trying to figure out what to do, wanting to have something from her here for him on one of the nights of Chanukah. We were figuring out how to help her.
Sometimes it's something he will know about eventually, but we need to discuss how we want to present it. This happened with the anti-marriage amendment. We knew we couldn't keep it from him, since it was going to be a year and half long hate campaign targeting our family and community, but we kept it from him short term while we discussed how we would present it to him and help him understand it without shaking his belief that the world is a good place. (We did manage to do that, I think! Whew!)
Sometimes it's something scary that there is no need for him to know at all. There have been news stories that have been important for us to know about but that he does not need to know about because they are scary. When there was a threat of blowing up Jewish buildings in Chicago, we chose for him not to know, since he and I both spend our days in Jewish buildings. When there was another specific threat to my safety at one point, we chose not to tell him, as he couldn't do anything about it but worry.
So, we do choose to hide things and I'm confident that decision is the right one for us.

[love]

I don't think I ever said your decision was wrong. We just choice to not keep things from DS so when he does find out on his own he isn't freaked out. Each is own but please make it seem I was putting the way you choose down. I wasn't. I was just asking a question as to why you felt to keep things from him. That is all. Ds is no where near the age your son is so we do things differently. When he does ask questions I will be honest with him about things. We are not there yet. I also try not to get my panties in a bunch about things.

[sharon]

And I patiently explained to you what my answer was to your question. All good things, Love.

[angel22]

Sharon was in no way responding as though she "had her panties in a bunch" or as though she was upset with your question. You asked a question and she responded clearly and concisely (as Sharon always does.) There was no negativity on her part so I'm not quite understanding why you are getting worked up about it, Love. Sharon never said that you said her decision was a wrong one. Just because some one states that what they do is "right for their family" doesn't mean that anyone is implying the opposite. As you are well aware by some of your stances. I think there was just a misunderstanding or misreading going on here and no one was meant to get hurt feelings.

[love]

"I'm confident that decision is the right one for us."
This is what I am referring to. I never questioned her decision so this quite seemed invalid to me.
Yea I wasn't getting worked up. Not sure how that all came about. I was just responding to her answer as she did mine. As for the panties in a bunch that was about events I have no control over so I wouldn't be not telling my son about things we cannot control. Not about Sharons response. My feelings were not hurt as I didn't want hers to hurt. All I was is asking why she doesn't tell her son something. It wasn't meant for people to respond and ask why I am getting worked up about it, that was far from met "getting worked up about it"

[angel22]

DH and I will either just wait until the kids are in bed or text. The waiting until they are in bed is easy enough since we do most of our speaking over the phone and it is quietest when they are in bed. We would spell when they were younger, we've tried pig Latin, and miming and guestures but we usually end up frustrated and say, "I'll tell you later." Lol!

[charliesmom05]

sometimes there may not be a way to discuss topics around ds who is 6. If it were a surprise we would spell one word but now ds can spell, we can't do that. My older sister said she and her husband would spell smaller words like nap backwards when their daughter recognized n-a-p ( I think it is close to p-a-n time). We spelled nap at times bc we may not have want ds getting all worked up over it.
But if we have something we don't want ds to know about, we either ask ds to go play so mommy and daddy can talk, or we wait. there are things we feel ds doesn't need to know about. adult things that aren't secrets but are not for little ears. surprises are another thing we may not want ds to hear.

what ever the reason for not wanting little ones to hear our conversations, I think you are doing all you can Sharon, and texting is a cute idea. my ds will ask me what I'm typing and to who ;-)

[sharon]

And it worked out well. Per my MIL's request I made a certificate that had the AG logo on it and said that the money was specifically for spending at the AG store, and we put cash with it, and she is sending us a check.
She really wanted him to have an official AG gift card, but with her brother so sick, she wasn't able to get it ordered. Ian was thrilled! And surprised that something "arrived from grandma and grandpa" on a day with no mail delivery.

[ladyandrearose]

We keep things like plans secret from DD. I will tell my DH that I'm thinking of taking DD to the P-O-O-L. My job can be unpredictable, so I don't tell my DD we are going somewhere until we are leaving. Once after we were half way to the zoo, my job called and we had to turn around. I just don't want her to be excited for something and be disappointed because of things outside our control for the moment.

[dara1012]

Sharon- glad that Ian got his AG money...that's nice that you were able to figure something out. I agree that scary things like the Jewish building threats it is probably best to wait and not scare him.

ladyandrea- we have to do the same thing with my job....sometimes I get called in and unless I am not on call we try not to make promises to DS that we can't keep with going places. So we usually say we are going "on an adventure" and sometimes that "adventure" has turned into ice cream from a drive thru instead of the zoo so mom can handle a work situation.

In general DS is 3 so we spell or try to whisper....things like, "Should we go to the Children's Museum or McDonald's" can't be said aloud until it is decided and DH and I need to consult each other on plans. We'll probably text more as he gets older, thanks for the idea Sharon.

I remember when I was younger my parents didn't tell us right away that my grandpa died. I was 11 and my brothers are younger. We weren't close to him at all, but the reason they waited was it was my brother's birthday the next day and they wanted to celebrate instead of being sad. My dad wasn't leaving for a few days for the funeral so they felt it was better to wait. I remember them talking a lot in their room to themselves and wondering what it was about, but the told us when they felt it was right.