Frustration with Blending - HELP

[mom93]

Hi all! I'm new to this Board and very frustrated with a current situation that I have going on that I am hoping that you can help with. Someone out there has to have a similar situation.

My boyfriend of three years and I decided to move in together. Between the two of us we have 3 children (my 18 year old daughter and 10 year old son and his 10 year old daughter). Generally the kids get along fine with the exception that his daughter is spoiled rotten and given pretty much everything she wants to make up for her mother's lack of being a mother the majority of her life.

When we moved in together we came up with a list of rules and went through them with the kids and over time it appears that my other half tends to bend the rules for his daughter, but my children are expected to abide by the rules. For instance, over Christmas the kids got candy in their stockings and the rule is that there is to be no food, drink or candy in their rooms. His daughter clearly knew this and stated she needed to bring it down to the kitchen (it was a reindeer that poops candy) but he told her she didn't have to.

Another instance, we agreed that the kids couldn't have tv's in their rooms and if any kid should have a tv in their room it should be the 18 year old, but now because his daughter went to her mom and grandma and to them that my kids never let her watch movies or tv (which is not true) she has never expressed a desire to watch movies or tv and secludes herself in her room or away from my children until dear old dad gets home. So now because she went to mom and grandma, mom says that she is to have a tv in her room which is unfair to the other two kids. Not to mention the fact that she has NO RIGHT to tell us how to run our household...

There are so many other issues that I could go on and vent about but I would rather not bore you or wear out my welcome on the first post. This stuff happens all the time and discipline is non-existent when it comes to his little princess and I am accused of punishing for every little thing. One of the other things that is totally frustrating is I can't address issues with her as he has a tendancy to override anything that I might say. For instance, she had a pair of play shoes (old tennis shoes to play in) and the soles were only half-attached. I asked him if she really needed to keep them or if I could throw them away. I went to throw them away and she threw a fit because those were her play shoes and instead of siding with me (especially after he said they could be thrown away) he allowed her to keep the shoes. This also happened with a Burger King kids meal box that had the crown in it. What 10 year old needs to keep a crown? I'm sorry, I would have made my son throw it away also. This girl is a packrat and would keep bread crumbs if she thought she could. Her room was a complete mess at her old house, you couldn't even walk through it let alone see the floor. So she knows that if I say no she can go to daddy and get her way.

I have never heard a 10 year old whine as much as she does and it annoys the hell outta me. Dad doesn't hear it as whining. Nor does he see the shennanigans that she is pulling. For instance, her lunch account was running low and I have alerts set up so that I can let her dad know. I reviewed her purchases and one day the account said she only had a cookie for lunch. He did not want to believe that and basically called me a liar. When she was confronted immediately she went into whining mode and "everyone was calling her a liar", yet she couldn't remember what she had for lunch two days before she was confronted (or what was even offered for lunch). Yet my son could remember what he had for lunch all week.

Thanks for listening to me vent - any help on how to deal with this situation is much appreciated as it is now causing strife between my boyfriend and I as well as the kids. Also, a little history... my boyfriend and I dated when we were in high school, we broke it off one summer while I was spending the summer with my grandparents (out of state) and we wouldn't have seen each other for the summer (not like my parents wanted us dating anyway) and there were no hard feelings or anything. We realized our senior year that we really were meant to be and were inseparable; however, he had a girlfriend and I was pregnant with my daughter and needed to focus on that. After 17 years we found each other again and all the old feelings came back.

[irish]

First of all, welcome to MOMs!! Glad you joined us and shared a little bit of your story with us

That is definitely a tough situation, and I have zero experience with this. My first reaction while reading your post was to tell your boyfriend that if his daughter doesn't have to abide any rules, then neither should your kids. Childish, I know. How is he with your kids? Does he discipline them, or make them follow the rules? Is there any way you could sit down with a third party and discuss these issues? I know that sometimes trying to confront a significant other about something leads to animosity, and the issues don't get resolved. Good luck sweetie, I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you, but I'm sure these wonderful moms will!

[mom93]

Thanks Claire! He doesn't discipline - he would rather just pretend like things don't happen even with the my kids - that makes me always the bad person. He just rather not have to deal with things period. I doubt he would sit down with anyone else as he already feels that it is the three of us ganging up on him and his daughter and that we are picking on them because they are different.

[ReneeW]

It's always fun to see new faces/hear new voices on here. Welcome!

The only thing I would suggest is to have a conversation with him about consistency. It's important that all of the kids know what the rules are and that you stand behind them. If kids see rules being broken, then why even have them? And how do the kids know which ones are OK to break and not? This will only be confusing for everyone. So he needs to figure out what he wants to do as a parent and then stick with it. (Sigh.)

After that, perhaps you can make a deal with him. For example, if you two sit down and revisit the rules and decide which ones will stay and go, from here on out, if either of you allow one of your kids to break the rules, you owe the other $25 on the spot. No questions. No excuses. One broken rule = $25 to the other person, immediately, cash. That way it will hold each of you responsible and have consequences when you're feeling tired, worn out, not in the mood to be a tough parent etc. .... he'll (and you) have to stick with your promises or pay up!

Those are my only ideas. Just kidding, I have one more idea. I don't know if you've ever listened to Dr. Joy Browne on the radio, but I LOVE that lady (the $25 idea is from listening to her.) So if you're really struggling, you can give her (national) radio program a call. For more info check out www.drjoy.com -- I just love the advice that she gives.

Good luck. Hang in there!!!!!!!!!!!!

[nevaehsmom327]

Well - I guess my first thing would be who's house is it? Because for me, even when my step-daughter gets older...she's living under my roof, she's living with my rules. I don't care what her mom has to say about it because it's MY house. But, I can understand it's hard to take that stand with it when one parent is being unsupportive.

I guess for me, this would be a relationship breaker. If he doesn't want to agree and support you with raising all of the kids, it doesn't make for a healthy relationship with anyone. Probably the last thing you'd want to hear, but in all honesty, it takes a village to raise a child, but when that village is at war over raising it, the kid ends up a crazy bat case who no one likes!

Now, I'm not saying drop the dude...but I would give him a serious talking to. Just letting him know that you need his support in disciplining the children (ALL OF THEM) in the same manner. Because from the sounds of it, you must see and deal with his daughter quite a bit and he's just trying to avoid conflict with her. Being a parent isn't about avoiding conflict, it's about doing the right thing, and he may just need that kind of reminder.

[mom93]

Renee,

He would never pay up! LOL He made a bet with my daughter about whether I would like my Christmas present that he got me (a yellow gold ring - I don't wear yellow gold) or not and he never paid up. I wish, I'd be rich off him for that rule.

Amy,

We signed a two year lease together. My kids are used to me being more strict and setting definite rules and following definite consequences - her, on the otherhand, whines and pulls the crocodile tears and makes him feel bad for being a parent and he caves. I have told him that he needs to be a parent and not a friend and his belief is that he should talk to her instead of punishing her but she continues to make the same mistakes over and over again and it is always "next time you will be in trouble" and there is never a next time. We have only been living together for 5 months and feel it will either be a long 2 years or one of us will be in jail - LOL

[bumblebee23]

Welcome to moms!

That is a tough situation to be in but I have a friend that is pretty much in the same boat and it is destroying their relationship. You and your BF really need to sit down and get on the same page. You need to explain to him pretty much what you told us. That is is not fair to your kids that your daughter is allowed to break all the rules. Then I really suggest putting your foot down. When you punish her she is punished don't let your BF override your decisions because he is only sending the message to his daughter that what you say isn't important and she doesn't have to listen to you. I would also tell mom and grandma that they are not allowed to make decisions for your household. They can make whatever rules and decisions in their homes but it is WAY crossing a line for them to make any kind of decisions for your home weather daughter is their or not.

Good luck sweety!

[mom93]

Bumblebee - I have told him that it is not fair for us to have two sets of rules and two sets of consequences as it will be unfair and cause resentment. He babies her to the hilt and is ridiculous. I would love to tell Mom and Grandma where they can go, unfortunately this would just cause additional problems that aren't necessary. Mom is the furthest thing from a mother and has no right to that title despite the fact that she gave birth to her. Just a sad situation all around and everyone is trying to make up for her mother's lack of responsibility.

[dara1012]

1) Welcome to MOMs we are glad to have you here!

2) I don't have a blended family, but I work with teenagers who live in a group home due to behavioral issues so I have some experience with dealing with difficult behaviors and behavior modification. We struggle with some of the issues you have discussed when the kids go home for the weekend and mom has different rules than the group home. So with that experience here are my thoughts
-You (and BF - boyfriend) are in charge of your house, not the kids and not his DD's (dear daughter) mom and grandma
-Your BF has to be on board with you and the rules, you need to be a team. If he doesn't agree with a rule the kids must never ever know that. Conversation about disagreements on rules between the two of you need to be done privately. You must be a united front when it comes to the kids (all 3 of them)
-If you all live together then you do need to discipline his DD too and not just your kids. He needs to back you up
-If his DD gets her mom or grandma to buy her something (like the TV) you can still enforce the no TV in the room rules, by putting it somewhere else in the house or sending it back to their house. Your house, your rules, not theirs.

Really for any of this to work your BF needs to get on your team, otherwise this won't work. I would try to go out and talk about this away from the kids. Be rational, calm, but persistent. Kids will always try to get out of things and really consistency is what they need the most.

[mom93]

Dara

Thank you for your input I appreciate it. I am sure that you have the same difficulties I have with those kids except for probably worse considering parents probably feel guilty for having them in the group home etc. It is just very frustrating.

[gwensmama9206]

Welcome to MoMs!!

I can completely understand the frustration you're having! I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. I have a similar problem at our home. It's not AS bas as it used to be but it's still a problem. Overall we agree on rules. It's just the way DH disciplines DD over DSD. When DSD does something wrong (unless I say something to DH) he'll do the 'poor baby' treatment with her but with DD she gets screamed at, toys taken away, grounded. Or DSD will do something mean to DD and DD will start crying and she gets yelled at for crying. Really?! Omg, it pisses me off! Yes, I discipline my child but I don't feel the need to break her down, making her cry or cry harder than she already was. I used to not be comfortable with disciplining DSD but now I have no problem with it. I would definitely sit down and talk to him about this. It's not fair to you or your kids that his DD seems to be getting special treatment. If he doesn't start disciplining her her 'little princess' act is going to keep happening or maybe even get worse. I really think you should start laying down the rules and discipline her. Someone needs to do it and if he's not going to, you should. If he doesn't like it then, well, maybe he should've been doing it in the first place. It sucks to be made out to be the bad person but sometimes it needs to be done. As for her mom and grandma, like some of the other ladies said, YOUR house YOUR rules! End of story.

Good Luck Hun!!

[ReneeW]

Quick idea -- maybe a school counselor could help? Or some article he can read? Because he is going to create a MONSTER and he's not doing his DD any favors. He thinks he's being nice, but in the long run she will pay the price. Hopefully if he sees some/reads some "expert" advice he'll realize that he's really doing his daughter a disservice. If he loves her and wants her to have a healthy future, he's GOT TO change his ways. Good luck ...