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Post by charliesmom05 on Feb 27, 2012 14:56:07 GMT -6
On February 10th my moms husband unexpectedly died. they had been married 17 years. My stepdad was a diabetic and my mom had gotten use to finding him unconscious due to high or low sugar, but this particular evening she went to make sure he had taken his insulin and found him not breathing at all. she got his son from next door to help administer CPR until the rescue squad arrived, they worked on him for about 45 minutes before being able to put him in the ambulance. on the way to the hospital they had lost his pulse a couple times. Once at the hospital they had him on life support since he wasn't breathing on his own, they lost his pulse a couple more times and 30 minutes later he died on life support. So yes, he is much better off than had he made it through the night on life support, he would have been brain damage.
My mom lives on the east coast, I flew out there the next day and thankfully dh had the time off already so he could keep ds in school. My mom seemed okay while I was there. we laughed, and she cried a couple times, but now that I'm back home, she is all alone in the house and she is having a really hard time. I have other older siblings who live closer to her but they aren't as close with our mom as I am and they haven't been to see her since I left, that was over a week ago. I feel so guilty for not being there for her, but dh has to work out of town a lot being he is a pilot and I can't keep taking ds out of school. We moved away almost 4-years ago and since then it seems like everything in my moms life is falling apart; her husband lost his job after 32 years of employment, she had a severe stroke, he had open heart surgery, and now two years after his surgery, he died. The doctors put it off as a heart attack, but they don't know that for sure. He has been much healthier since his surgery, watching what he eats, lost weight and such.
I don't know what to do for my mom. I have invited her here, but she won't come. She is hoping God is going to take her soon and she is trying to get all her personal stuff taken care of so I won't have that to do when she goes. (is that normal thinking?) I did help her get a lot of paer work done like social security, insurance, the obituary, to name a few. So I guess all I can do now is to be here for her when and if she decides to call on me.
I don't know the real reason for this post. venting? advice? who knows. Im just frustrated not many people seem to be around for my mom right now, not many people have stopped by to pay respects, I'm guessing it might be because he was cremated and my mom is going to wait for warmer nicer weather to have a "celebration of his life" and keep his ashes until she goes so they can be released together. but nonetheless, she has always been there for others, it doesn't seem right she has to go through this alone. and like I said, I feel so guilty for not being with her more.
Thanks for reading
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Post by sharon on Feb 27, 2012 14:59:55 GMT -6
I'm so sorry for your loss and for your moms! What a sad and difficult sequence of events!
She sounds depressed. Is there some reason to expect she would die soon? Is she particularly old or ill? If not, she sounds depressed to me and I wonder if you could get her in to see someone. It would make sense that she would be depressed after all this, but that doesn't mean getting some support wouldn't be helpful.
I wish you and she weren't so far apart. My sister lives in NY and had a bad...decade. I wished the whole time that I was closer and could just make her dinner and go for a walk or BE THERE.
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Post by ReneeW on Feb 27, 2012 16:19:43 GMT -6
It may be too soon but at some point she may want to join a support group or something like that to work on her feelings and help her process all that's happened. She'll need time to grieve of course. My only other idea would be to continue to call her, and if you're close with other people (friends, family) who live closer to her, try to set up a schedule so that every other day or so she gets a visitor to stop by, take her for a walk, bring her a meal, or just sit and chat for a bit if possible.
That is so hard when you're far away. She knows that your door is open and that you love her and would be there if you could. Maybe when school's out, you and your DS could go and stay with her for a week and convince her to come and stay with you in MN for a visit as well.
Another idea is that perhaps (after more time has passed) she could get involved volunteering or doing something to be helpful to others. Then she'd see that she still has value and is contributing to someone's life and won't feel like "God please take me soon" but rather "I'll live life to the fullest while I have my days on earth" .... Hang in there.
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Post by nevaehsmom327 on Feb 27, 2012 16:32:54 GMT -6
Sorry for your loss as well as your mothers. Its never easy that's for sure. I'll be praying for you and your family. When my great grandma died, my great gramps was offered to move out here for free, my mom would take care of everything...but he refused. Finally, me being the nosey lil girl I was I asked him why...and he said he just didn't want to leave where his wife was. So I understand where she may be coming from for not wanting to move. Just be there, that's the best you can do for her, and your self right now. Again, lots of prayer...and (((((HUUUGS)))))
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Post by charliesmom05 on Feb 27, 2012 17:26:54 GMT -6
Thank you ladies.
Sharon, my mom is 65 but has had a lot of medical problems. no where near I'll enough to be thinking about dying. ever since my sister was killed in a car wreck in 1992 she has wanted it to be her turn. she married in 1994 and had a wonderful husband but she just felt like she had done all she needed to do and wanted to go be with my sister. since her stroke 3-years ago she hasn't left the house much. She was very lucky after her stroke, regained full body movement and full speech back, she is almost the same as she was before the stroke, other than being afraid to leave the house.
My mom goes to Church on most Sundays, grocery store when needed and to visit with my grandmother in the nursing home occasionally. Right before her stroke we flew my mom here for a visit and she had a great time, said she would do it again but hasn't and probably won't.
I'm sure my mom has some depression, she has had a rough life, but she won't ever get help for it. I had talked her in to seeing her doctor 5-years ago about getting medication to help with her anxiety and depression I felt she had, the dr. agreed as he had also thought the same; after a few months of feeling good on the medicine, it stopped so she took herself off. She didn't understand she may have needed to up her mg since the dr started her on a low dosage to begin with.
My mom has done a lot of volunteering over the years. none which makes her feel like she has a purpose; purpose enough to want to find happiness as long as she is on earth. She just sits and watches tv. her volunteering was done on her own. She cooked 7 full turkey meals with all the sides cooked and hand delivered them to less fortunate families over Christmas one year. one lady took it inside and told my mom, "I wish you would have just brought the food unprepared so I could have cooked it when we wanted it" (haha, the nerve of people). Not to mention taking in babies when young mothers had no other help in their lives. And she is still caring for one young baby a few hours a day mon.-fri. So the mom can go to school.
I know my mom wouldn't move in with us unless she completely lost her mind and had no idea what was going on, but it would be nice if she would come visit and enjoy her grandson, make memories for him if not for herself.
I may go back next month for a few days while dh has time off to stay with ds. and I already planned on spending time there after school is out because it's hard on me being so far from her, from home. I just wish I could be there to help with the house, it's a big house. to help prepare food for her to eat. to be in the other room so she wouldnt be alone (she's not much for sitting and visiting with people, little spurts at a time).
Thank you ladies. I will see who I can get to do a few things for her from time to time. It's a shame my other siblings won't take from their days to help out. neither of them have children in the house or a set work schedule, they work when they want with their jobs.
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