No clue what to do anymore...need some advice.

[nevaehsmom327]

Not sure if this was the right place to post...but here it goes....

So, as many of you may know, one of our fellow mama's on here is my baby daddy's wife. Some of you may also know, things have been lets say...rocky for them. I am much better friends with HER than I am, or ever will be with HIM...which I am very thankful for. I give all the credit to her over the past year - two years for him trying to clean up his act. But as of late, things have been going down hill, and fast on both sides of the mama front. I'm not going to go into major detail, because in all honesty, it's not for me to be telling that story.

Here is my side of the dilemma though...the things he has been doing lately have been dangerous things for him, for his family, and for my DD to be around. He's been very mean, very rude, and just plain stupid. Any time I try to figure out scheduling for this summer (he gets to take her for 3 weeks) he can't give me a straight answer, and never wants to be willing to work something out. Fine. I can accept that. But he's also showing up late all the time, not letting me know if he's going to be late. His interest in DD has dropped to the point of where when she goes over there, he's not even there. He's either working...or out doing lord knows what else leaving his poor wife to take care of all the kids by herself. Which isn't fair to DD, or her kids. Beyond all of that, the latest thing I've seen is that he is now trying to sell his vehicle so he can buy himself a crotch rocket. A freaking CROTCH ROCKET!?!?!?!?! How do you plan on picking up your daughter and bringing her anywhere? How do you plan on bringing your 5 month old son anywhere? Seriously dude? I'm at such a loss of words for what to do or say. Things have spun so far out of control, I feel like I'm going to go crazy. Yes, I know part of it is the hormones from being preggars, but seriously...he has gone off the deep end. And to top it all off, he hasn't paid child support in over 5 months. Not that I depend on that by any means, but come on, help support your kid. That and he's now at risk of losing his drivers license within the next month to two months if he doesn't pay it.

I just don't know what to do or say to him anymore. There's a part of me that just doesn't want to show up when we're supposed to meet for drop-off/pick-up, but that could land me a felony.

Anyone have some words of wisdom, advice, strength, anything? I'm just at a loss....

Thanks for letting me rant...

[irish]

Yikes, tough situation all around. I'm sorry, I have no words of wisdom or advice, but just wanted to give you a ((hug))!

[laurac]

I'm so sorry, Amy. And to BDW (baby daddy wife) as well.
Do you think he would be in any position to go to the law if you didn't show up at a designated time when you KNOW your child is not with him during his visits and also in danger when he is around? How could he slap you with a felony when he hasn't paid child support in 5 months? He should be more nervous about you taking him back to court than you not showing up at a designated time.
In a way you just want him to spin out of control and keep your daughter far away from that so maybe he can get help. Can you not show up, or call him or anything and just see what happens?

{{Hugs}}

[nevaehsmom327]

Thanks Irish. Sometimes that's all a girl needs!

Vic - I guess I never really thought of calling my worker for our custody case. I will be keeping an eye on his DL status though. The second it's suspended...he's not picking her up.

LC - The thing with the courts is regardless if he's there or not, he has rights to visitation time. And since all I really have to go on at this point is hearsay, there's nothing substantial to bring to court to say he's being irresponsible. Also unfortunate, CS has nothing to do with visitation. They don't touch each other. One is not dependent on the other either. So even if he doesn't pay for YEARS, he still has visitation rights.
If I don't show up and he were to call the cops because I wasn't there on time or whatever, then he could call the cops and I could get served with a felony. I think it's a bit harsh of a punishment for not being on time, but that's what the order says. The only thing that would keep me from showing up is if he doesn't have a license. I won't even bother then.

[laurac]

Yikes. What a big jerk.

[angel22]

So, if HE doesn't show up on time or at all for his scheduled visitation then couldn't you turn the tables and slap HIM with the felony? Also, is BDW willing to testify for YOU about BD and his not being around? He does it to BOTH of you, after all.

[nevaehsmom327]

He's never NOT showed up at all. He's usually on time when it comes to picking her up. She has hockey on Sundays though and he's NEVER on time for that. We're usually rushing to get her on the ice. And as far as dropping her back off, he's usually 5-10 minutes late at the very least. It's never been much more than that...but he doesn't realize that the world DOESN'T revolve around him and that he needs to be on time for things. I'm not sure if 5-10 minutes late qualifies for calling the cops.

I'm not sure if she would be...I haven't asked. We talk about being in court and what not, but that subject hasn't been brought up.

[bunsy]

Document, document, document. Some day he MAY do something worse and you will have information to back up your claim.

[ReneeW]

This sounds like such a sucky situation for all. I hope that he gets his head on straight and turns this around. Grrr ... and sigh ....

I think that all you can do is to keep stability and consistency on your end -- you can't control his actions, all you can do is control YOUR actions. Which means, when it's his turn for visitation, you still take your child there (and your kid will see that you're still trying, even if Dad is off wherever, YOU are doing YOUR part), you are where you say you'll be, on time, etc. ... and the rest will just have to play out. If he gets the crotch rocket, your child can't reasonably be on there with her backpack and school stuff or whatever, it's not feasible, and it's not legal if both of her feet can't reach the footrests so her height will make it illegal for her to be on there from what I can tell. See here:

dps.mn.gov/divisions/ots/laws/Pages/motorcycles.aspx

I'm sorry you're going through this. All you can do is stay consistent, know what the law is, and if he's doing things illegally then you take action. Until then, hang in there and know you've got lots of ladies pulling for you.

[bumblebee23]

so sorry you are having to deal with him being a jack a$$ again. Mostly I am sorry for BDW and all the children because they are altimately they are the ones hurting most right now. I understand your fears but I guess the only thing you can do is talk to your worker and keep trying to work with him.....and telling him your concerns about the crotch rocket.

[nevaehsmom327]

Thanks everyone.

I am sorry for the kids and BDW too. It's a shitty situation for all. Ultimately it'd be nice to get a resolution that's best for all of us.

Thanks for the info on the bike stuff renee. I'll have to keep that in mind if he does end up getting one.

[bunsy]

As for scheduling for the summer, you've asked and he doesn't have an answer. Plan you summer and he'll have to take what's left over. I doubt that your agreement states that you can't plan anything until he does.

[deannemdm]

I thought I had heard somewhere that if you lose DL you also lose all licenses-- like motorcycle? Might be something to have BDW to mention to him? I doubt he would listen to it from you from the way you talk. Hope things work out well for you and all those involved (well maybe not BD.... that could make things easier?

[lilmermaid]

No advice just want to send you and BDW HUGS!!!!

[AuntSueto4]

May 2, 2012 14:00:16 GMT -6 bunsy said:

Document, document, document. Some day he MAY do something worse and you will have information to back up your claim.

I'm so sorry, Amy. And to BDW (baby daddy wife) as well as all the children involved... {{{{{{{{HHHHHUUUUUGGGGGSSSSS}}}}}

I agree with Bunsy, 1000%