Shushing my inner "mom judge"

[ReneeW]

OK, here's the story. Last night around 8:30 I'm leaving Target. I see a mom, and she has with her a few older kids plus a little tyke who's just learning how to walk and looks LITTLE, like under a year old. He's wearing just a diaper. No shoes, no onesie, nothing--he's toddling around the store, I can see that the bottoms of his feet are black with grime. And the little devil on my shoulder is like, "C'mon Lady, give the kid a pair of shoes and take 30 seconds to put a onesie on for goodness' sake!! And it's not 95 degrees outside, it's only like 65 degrees!!!"

I get in my car and say to myself, "Don't judge, don't judge, don't judge." And I'm driving home mulling this situation over. And I decide -- I have no idea what that mom has been through today. Maybe the baby had a monster blowout and she had a diaper with her but no spare change of clothes. Or maybe the baby has a skin sensitivity or something that makes him cranky when he's wearing clothes and shoes. Or maybe she just had a helluva day and was at her wits' end and was barely keeping it together. So I did a little prayer for this mom and sent her vibes of compassion and understanding.

My question is -- do you also have this inner "mommy judge" voice? How do you handle it? As you can see, I'm trying to be better about not being critical of other people and giving them the benefit of the doubt--but it's a process!!

[bunsy]

I was definitely more "judgy" when I was younger. I've learned over the years that I just can't know what is going on in someone else's life.

[laurac]

I'm with Bunsy. When I was in the thick of parenting I could tend to be more judgemental but now I, too, think about the kind of day that lady may have had.
My Grandma is so judgemental that when I feel myself going in that direction I remember how much that hurts me when she judges me and I turn it around.

[dara1012]

I was probably more judgmental before having DS. You know how it's easy to say "if I had a kid I would do this" until you are actually doing it. I have a lot of tolerance for kids meltdowns in stores now although I still judge when I hear someone say "if you do that one more time we are leaving" and then the kid does it 5 more times and they don't leave. I really strive in my parenting to only threaten what I am willing to follow through on.

I do struggle though when I see children who are not wear clothing appropriate for the season or the situation. I try to remember that I am fortunate and have enough money that when DS blew out his diaper as a baby and I realized that the diaper bag was not replenished I was able to afford to go to Target and buy a new outfit for myself and DS (it was that bad!) and more diapers....not everyone can do that. There are a lot of people who barely get by and that makes me sad, but I remind myself that it doesn't make them bad parents.

I think it is hard to quiet that voice. Like LC my grandmother is so judgmental so I try to not be like her as much as possible because I know how judging hurts. Like you did I try my best to remember that I don't know the situation and life has its ups and downs for all of us, parenting is hard even in the best of circumstances. Remember that you don't have to be perfect either and trying to improve your response to those things you see is a good start! Sometimes I have to remember to give myself a break too!

[merrr]

Oh yes. I have that voice.
Most days I can let it roll off my back but sometimes I just have to shake my head.

[cakemakermom]

Yes I do. Sometimes it's cheering on the parent who doesn't give into the candy/toy/whatever the child is whining/screaming for. Sometimes I've actually had to stop to watch a child to see if a parent is nearby.

Much of the time, I just question the circumstance of what I see and don't assume anything.

[nevaehsmom327]

Wow Renee! You are soooooo right in what you did here. I find myself being judgey too. But what a smack in the face to remind us not to judge.

[lilmermaid]

I think it's just natural for us to judge! As long as it stay my inner judge and doesn't become an outer judge I'm fine with it.