"I can't do it"

[jrose]

I'm desperate for some help. DD1 who is 4 (just turned 4 last month but this has been going on for awhile) She is always saying she can't do anything when we know she is very capable of doing it because we have seen it before. We tell her you can do it yourself and she has the BIGGEST tantrum ever, how do I get her to do things herself without the tantrum?! She also throws tantrums over itty bitty things..like half hour long tantrums, right now she is in time out because she threw a tantrum over her dad shutting the car door. She says she is sorry...while screaming...we ask her to stop her crying and she cries even harder. I just don't know what to do with her anymore but let her sit in time out until the tantrums stop.....please just tell me its a phase! please please please.

[babyscute]

Can you tell her to blow her candles out and have her blow on her fingers? This gets kids to breathe deeply and calm down a bit.

[jessijo]

when my son gets like that - he is 8 and it just happened last night! I send him to his room to get the anger and frustration and tears out and tell him that he can come out when he calms down. Some days take longer than others but it works for him. This has been the routine since he was 2 or so and started having tantrums.
As for the "I can't do it" part - yes! My son says that even though he knows how to do whatever it is I have asked him to do. He is also a fan of "I forgot!" which is code for he either wasn't paying attention to what he was supposed to do or just didn't want to do it.
Take alot of deep breaths and it will pass!

[ReneeW]

Good news is, yep it's a phase. Does she do well with rewards? Perhaps you could make a little chart and on those occasions when she says she can't do it and you ask her to, if she tries, she gets a star. After so many stars she gets an extra bedtime story etc.

Hang in there!!!

[jrose]

Thanks for the quick replies....she finally calmed down. DH showed her how silly she looked in the mirror and she couldn't even look at herself. I will have to try the chart she does well with chocolate rewards She has been asking for a blue fish...maybe a big end of the month reward.

And thank goodness its a phase! I'm about to pull my hair out lol!

Vic-I understand the walking thing! Her 2 yr old sister can walk all over the place but not her she has to sit in the cart!

[angel22]

I started taking videos of DD1 when she would throw her hissy fits. I think I only had to do it about 3 times AND I'd show them to people- like DH or my parents- now she doesn't freak out as badly.
DD2 is a bad one when it comes to the "I can't!" crap. It is a phase, she's been doing it for a while and just turned 4. If she says that to me I ask her when she forgot how because she's BEEN able to do it for ages. Or "I don't believe you, let me see you try." Then she puts on an act about not being able to do it and I call her a faker and start laughing, so she starts laughing then forgets that she was trying to get out of it in the first place.

[apryllraye87]

Oh geez Jennifer you could have been describing my 4 year old to a T! He says he can't do anything, and then will throw massive tantrums.

I hope it passes quickly!

[jrose]

Although I wish none of us were going through this I'm glad I'm not the only one!

[JazzyMaxie]

Langston tried the "I can't do it." The first time, I would remind him that he could. After that I just ignored him. He figured out how to do it real quick.

[ladyandrearose]

I hate, "I can't!" I tell DD that, "oh well, guess we can't (go to the park), then." She will usually get on the ball then. She is getting closer to five and it does seem to be dwindling. It seems to show most when she's tired.

[jrose]

Ignoring = massive tantrums most of the time. Maybe I will just have to suck it up and just ignore.

[gwensmama9206]

DD does that too! She still has tantrums sometimes but they don't last very long anymore. At first I used to just do whatever she needed done for her just so I wouldn't have to deal with the tantrums. Not such a smart idea. Now I'll just remind her of another time where she had done it herself just fine and then she'll be like "Oh yeah!" and do it. If she feels the need to through a tantrum, I'll ignore her and tell her to figure it out.
Hang in there hun. Eventually it gets easier to deal with.

[Sus]

Yup... I agree... State: Yes, you can. You are 4. After that, ignore.

[mickeymk]

It's a phase...WHEW! dd went through that a month or two ago. She still does it on occasion but when she would throw her tantrum to the corner she goes. Come out when you are done. Yep, it's getting way better. Be patient and remember it is just a phase, thank goodness!

[babyscute]

DD is doing the feed me phase and I can't phase too. I tell her try it. Then if she doesn't want to I just let her be and do it for her because I know she can do it.