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Lying
Oct 14, 2011 12:46:17 GMT -6
Post by mwatkins11 on Oct 14, 2011 12:46:17 GMT -6
So let me give a little background... My Husband and I married in August 2009 and I got pregnant right away. We had our DD in April 2010 and then my husbands little brother, who is now 13, came to live with us in August 2010. So we became a family of 4 within a year of us getting married...
Anyway, we have had real issues with my husbands brother lying to us. Everything out of his mouth is a lie. We have talked to him and told him its wrong and we will never be able to trust anything he says. He does not get away with ANYTHING and most times he tells on himself.
A couple weeks ago he was suspended from school (long story) and we took his phone away, his allowance, tv, video games, computer, didn't let him play in 2 football games., etc.. 3 days later we catch him in another lie. He had gone into our bedroom (which he knows he isn't suppose to do) and started texting on his phone when we weren't home. Obviously we found out and my husband took him aside, showed him the phone and asked if he had been texting. He lied straight to my husbands face...
I just need some advice on how to handle this, obviously punishing doesn't really help. We ask him why he does it and he says because he has been doing it for so long. I don't believe ONE THING he says. Sorry this is long, but I never thought I would be dealing with this when I am still in my mid-20's... I especially don't want my daughter picking up on this and thinking it is ok...
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Lying
Oct 14, 2011 13:16:35 GMT -6
Post by jessijo on Oct 14, 2011 13:16:35 GMT -6
You are too young to have to deal with a teenager. Can he get a job or something? Maybe get rid of all his cool stuff - phone, etc for good and make him work to get it back. Might be fun to see his face when all that stuff goes into the trash. I don't have any teens - yet - so I'm not really qualified to tell you anything but you do have my support!
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Lying
Oct 14, 2011 13:19:16 GMT -6
Post by angel22 on Oct 14, 2011 13:19:16 GMT -6
When confronting him about something he shouldn't have done don't ask him about it- that gives him the opportunity to lie- TELL him what you know and ask what he thinks should be done about it. Ask why he did it but don't ask IF he did it- especially if you already know that he DID.
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Lying
Oct 14, 2011 13:26:05 GMT -6
Post by Sus on Oct 14, 2011 13:26:05 GMT -6
Wow... you really have your plate full. . .
For starters, I think Jesso's idea is really good. If he wants the 'toys' he needs to work for them. No job, no toys. WHICH is of course very hard when he isn't 'job' old enough. For our kids, if they give us any flack, the phone is the first to go. Usually gets pretty good response!!! HEHE
Now... about the lying. and this is JMO... Do not even GIVE him the option to lie. If he truely has done it so long he doesn't realize it, (which I believe is possible) then don't even give him the opportunity. "You went into our room and used your phone without permission. You will not have your phone for another ..... week/day... etc." I have to tell ya... Bunsy says it best... A teenager is just like a toddler, but with a good vocabulary! so treat him as a toddler... Do NOT give him options. Cut and Dry. Eliminate situations where he lies... if it's school- get on an e mail-voice mail relationship with his teachers. I would also encourage you and DH to go visit with someone at his school. They will no doubt have a lot of really super good advice.
My kids are 12,14 and 16. And we've been really lucky so far! ! Keep us posted, will ya?
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Lying
Oct 14, 2011 13:26:38 GMT -6
Post by Sus on Oct 14, 2011 13:26:38 GMT -6
ooo... ya... good Angel!!!
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Lying
Oct 14, 2011 15:30:00 GMT -6
Post by mwatkins11 on Oct 14, 2011 15:30:00 GMT -6
Thanks for all the great advice! My husband and I will have to get used to not allowing him a response when he has done something wrong. You are all right, he shouldn't even be given the option to lie. We have pretty much taken everything away and he hasn't had is phone for 2 weeks now... That has worked in the past, but it hasn't worked so much recently.
Just a little more background, as he does have additional issues... My husband and brother have the same mom, but different dads. My husband lived with his dad for most of his life, but his brother lived with his mom and grandma in Alabama. Their mom struggles with addiction and mental health issues and has been in the hospital, rehab or group homes for the last 2-3 years. That is the reason we have taken him in and I believe is the reason he acts the way he does. We know we will probably have him until he at least turns 18, but more than likely until he goes to (and graduates!) from college. He really does well in school and is a sweet kid, but the lying is something that is very serious right now...
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Lying
Oct 14, 2011 17:25:53 GMT -6
Post by Sus on Oct 14, 2011 17:25:53 GMT -6
13 and he's doing well in school? DON"T LET GO of him!!!! You are oobviously doing something right if he's doing well in school! That's usually the first red flag, is school grades!
Also, which Im SURE you are already doing... Sit him down and tell him " You are doing really well in school and we are so incredibly proud of you! You sure have reason to be proud of yourself! What can you, your brother and I do to help you become more confident and sure of yourself? We all know there has been an issue with lying. This can't continue. What do you think we can do to solve this problem?"
just a thought! Good grades though... Play that up HUGE... I mean HUGE!!!!
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Lying
Oct 14, 2011 17:36:27 GMT -6
Post by aprilandy on Oct 14, 2011 17:36:27 GMT -6
You might also try some therapy -- if his mother struggled with mental health issues he may also be starting to show some signs. A therapists might be helpful in getting to the root of why he feels a need to lie. If the lies are so obvious that he will get caught there may be underlying issues that removal of toys or punishments will not solve. Just a thought on something you might want to check into.
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Lying
Oct 14, 2011 17:38:50 GMT -6
Post by Sus on Oct 14, 2011 17:38:50 GMT -6
OOOOOO Good input A/A!!!!
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Lying
Oct 14, 2011 19:10:32 GMT -6
Post by mwatkins11 on Oct 14, 2011 19:10:32 GMT -6
We definitely let him know we are proud of him! All the teachers love him and he gets all his stuff done. Therapy is the next thing. We would like to see a christian therapist so if anyone knows one let me know. He was really sad a lot when he first moved here because he missed his mom and was real close with her. They go see her sometimes but don't get to see her to much because there is always something wrong... thanks again for all the reponses. I just have been so frustrated and so has my husband...
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Lying
Oct 15, 2011 19:04:32 GMT -6
Post by laurac on Oct 15, 2011 19:04:32 GMT -6
The thing I don't think kids understand is, we ALWAYS find out. Always. They are not crafy enough for us not to. That's something to tell him, too. That you will always find out. You know a lot of people who know people and you will know what has been done/happened/said. You understand that he is sad and misses his Mom. You expect that. But you are there to help him and lying is not the answer. No matter what.
Good luck with therapy. I called my insurance company and told them where I lived and asked for the names of a therapist in my area. Try that.
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Lying
Oct 19, 2011 21:23:35 GMT -6
Post by kbw2010 on Oct 19, 2011 21:23:35 GMT -6
I have three teen brothers that I live with and I'm a young mom with a 15 month old son!!!! My youngest brother is 10 and he lies about homework and friends and "boy stuff" I'm with him mainly our mom and dad work a lot so I'm his second mom, I go to his school functions and all, and sports!!! When I catch him lieing about home work I sit him down and we do his home work I take away his things and it seems to work,
and my 14 year old brother is ROUGH! he NEVER calls only last min when he needs a ride and I make him wait and be on my schedule, and when they don't listen to me and mouth off they get NO PRIVILEGES. our mom takes his phone and puts it in her purse so he can not get to it.
and make sure when he is doing something right that your telling him, I know that my brothers want to get awared is a way and praised when they are good... al kids do!!! and he could be acting up he does live with his older brother and his "new" family. he was most likely use to being his brothers little side kick! so include him more and have secrets between only you two so he knows that he is not just " In the way"
When I started dating SO my brothers (10) would ask if I have to be with him ALL the time. and your SO do "man" things with him!!! sorry it's so long!
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Lying
Oct 20, 2011 7:15:15 GMT -6
Post by holisticmama on Oct 20, 2011 7:15:15 GMT -6
I have an adult brother that is a compulsive liar and from what I can see with him it has to do with extremely low self-esteem and a deep lack of trust that stems from our childhood circumstances, which he's never chosen to deal with. It's hard to watch him self-destruct over and over again. He's 44 years old.
Your husband's brother is young and I believe this habit can be changed before it becomes really damaging. I think finding the right counselor to work with him would be a tremendous help to get him back on track. Good luck!
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