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Post by doeeyedgirl on Sept 10, 2012 12:05:32 GMT -6
Being in the first year of marriage and having been a very independant woman for 30 years beforehand, I have realized I have a lot of expectations of my husband. Some may be reasonable, but some are probably not so much. I am currently trying to decide which ones are important and which ones are unreasonable.
What are yours and your husband's expectations of each other? What ones do you feel are fair? What ones do you feel are unreasonable? How do you decide which ones to keep and which ones to give up and grieve over?
Thanks in advance for your input ladies!
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Post by onlyoneboy on Sept 10, 2012 12:12:34 GMT -6
After 17 years of marriage I no longer expect him to do anything with out me telling him to do it. Part of that is due to how he was raised and the fact that his mother never let him make his own decisions. If I want/need something done around the house I need to make him a list to work off of. He has his weekly chores that he is responsible for such as taking out the garbage and taking something out of the freezer every morning to have for dinner.
I give up on the ones that cause me more grief to worry about than it does to just do it myself.
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Post by ReneeW on Sept 10, 2012 12:55:09 GMT -6
Oh my goodness, isn't this an everlasting issue in all marriages? It's such a balance, and I think it's very much dependent on the two individuals and their strengths, weaknesses, expectations, work schedules, etc. etc. etc. etc.!!! So -- first and foremost, hang in there as you negotiate with your DH and work to determine what specifics will best help the balance and partnership in your relationship. For me and my DH, we have expectations of respect, no name calling, communicating with each other about issues as best we can, and an overall "we're in this together" partnership. For specifics, when we first got married we were "Even Steven" on the chores. We had similar jobs and working hours, so we split everything 50/50 -- cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, bill paying. Now with a family, I work part time and he works full time so I've taken on more of the daily duties, like laundry, cooking, grocery shopping. He pays the bills because he knows that I HATE finances and it makes me cranky and stressed. I know that he HATES unloading the dishwasher so I do it 95% of the time. For the big weekly "house cleaning" we take turns. EXCEPT when he's working crazy hours, then I'll do his for him--he doesn't ask me, I just do it to be nice if I am able. He mows 95% of the time, I cook, shop, do light cleaning and laundry 90% of the time. I get the kids up, dressed, packed, lunches packed etc. most mornings. I do more of the bedtime routines, except when I'm working or at a meeting (one night a week). If one of us is having a stressful time at work, the other one tries to step up and help out more. I think with men, they need specific instructions. For example, "Help more" isn't helpful to them. "I would really appreciate it if you could do X twice a week" is better. My DH wishes I would be more involved in our finances, so I think he has "given up" on that--because he knows how much I dread it. I feel like our current situation is fair, but I'm sure that will change and evolve as I work more, kids have more activities etc.
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Post by cakemakermom on Sept 10, 2012 13:24:49 GMT -6
Marriage is always a compromise. Life changes and so do the things that need to be done. As long as you're communicating your needs to him and he's doing the same for you, you'll always know what you both need to get done. Never think he knows what you're thinking, he's not a mind reader.
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Post by bumblebee23 on Sept 10, 2012 13:57:41 GMT -6
My DH and I try to split things equally, or as equal as he can. He works really long hours so I handle most of the cleaning. The only expectation I really have is for him to talk to me about things, continue to be my friend, laugh with me, understand when I am upset, and always be honest and faithful. I don't think you can really have much more in terms of expectations. You should be partners in everything and if you disagree at least try to understand the other person point of few.
I will say that my husband has some spending issues and has gotten us in trouble more then once and I expected him to take care of us better than that. We have fought our way through it together and I know have soul control over the finances.
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Post by doeeyedgirl on Sept 10, 2012 14:23:52 GMT -6
I guess I maybe should have explained myself a little bit more. My DH and I have great communication when it comes to things. I don't expect him to be able to read my mind, nor do I expect to be able to read his. Here is an idea of one that has been a repeat offender. LOL! :
* Be perceptive of what's around you...so for example: If the table is sticky with syrup, clean it off. (He works nights, so he is home with DS2 during the day and I will come home to remnants of breakfast or lunch on the table)
* If you have crumbs left on the counter after you make toast, clean it up. (He has a habit of eating when he gets home at 3 a.m. from work and this is what I wake up to) -----I don't mind cleaning up after my kids. They are a work in process. My DH however should know to clean up after himself.
* If the kids are around you, keep your profanity at a minimum. (He doesn't seem to understand that even though kids know it is naughty, having it around them makes them think it's ok. I can see my new preschooler going to class and letting one slip..yikes!)
* I handle all the finances. He doesn't want anything to do with them. Just wants to know what he can spend at the end of the pay day. But when I tell him we have minimal funds, he still seems to think that we have money for a $300 bike or a trip to Wisconsin Dells.
I guess my frustration comes from the fact that I feel this is how a grown up should act; that this should be a 'duh' kind of thing to anyone. Am I being too unrealistic? How do I make these things more clear to him without feeling I am nagging because we talk about them so frequently?
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Post by laurac on Sept 10, 2012 14:59:28 GMT -6
After nearly 25 years of marriage I wish I could answer this with all certainty! I know what bugs him, he knows what bugs me so we try to keep the 'bugging' to a minimum. There will never be 50/50. someone will always do more. The key is to not keep track.
I totally agree about the profanity. I'm guessing he's not really used to having young kids around. I'd bring that up often!
I also would be frustrated about the cleaning up part. This morning I got up to a blanket on the couch, an empty pringles can and a gatorade bottle on the couch. Yesterday, I woke up to an empty fruit cup. I picked it up and threw it away. This morning, I DID NOT! I'm not his maid! Guh I was mad! I may say something when I get home, but I think he got my message loud and clear when he got up and it was still sitting there!
He will never see the things you see. He'll never notice the sticky spots unless the hair on his arms is sticking to the table! Seriously! It's just how they are made!
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Post by onlyoneboy on Sept 11, 2012 5:40:12 GMT -6
I have to agree with LC. The toast thing happens at my house, the sticky table happens at my house.
Sunday evening I even asked DH to clean up the kitchen after all the company left as I was tired and going to bed. He sat down and watched football, never cleaned. No kids Monday morning to get off to school, what did he do. Drank coffee and watched TV to wake up. Came home yesterday with both kids, had to make dinner, feed DS2, help DS1 with homework and have dinner ready by 5 so DS1 could get to Walmart to pick out his new glasses and there was a dirty kitchen I had to clean up before I could make dinner. I'm still steaming about it.
It seems lately the DH is number 1 and no one else matters.
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Post by doeeyedgirl on Sept 11, 2012 7:22:52 GMT -6
As humorous as it sounds, LC, you are right. They probably wouldn't! LOL! Oh Gwen..that sucks! I would be fuming, too. So, is it that they are genetically wired this way or is it that moms are teaching them to be this way by doing things too often for them? Hmmm...makes me double think about how I am going to teach my boys. LOL! House cleaning boot camp time!
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Post by laurac on Sept 11, 2012 7:28:55 GMT -6
My feeling is, you want your boys to be self-sufficient on the chance that they don't marry and you don't want them living with you for the rest of their lives! My boys have done their own laundry probably since 6th grade. I asked John the other day how old he was when he started doing his own laundry and he said 6! What. Ever! I find that I do more for Katie than I ever did for the boys and maybe so I can still feel needed!
I do believe they are genetically wired that way. They just don't see the things we see.
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Post by doeeyedgirl on Sept 11, 2012 7:30:53 GMT -6
I was having this discussion with my 10 year old the other day. We were on our way home from the grocery store. He had went with me to pick out ingredients for dinner and to help me make dinner. I teased him that some girl was going to be SO lucky someday. When he asked why I told him he was already way ahead of some 30 year olds! He does dishes, he cleans, he grocery shops, he cooks and he puts his laundry away. Hahahah!
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Post by onlyoneboy on Sept 11, 2012 7:47:51 GMT -6
I know with my DH it was the way he was raised. His mother was an over-protective, over-bearing, do anything and everything so her kids didn't have to lift a finger or make a decision. DH didn't cook, didn't clean and can't make a decision to save his life. His mother is still that way and get's mad at me because DS1 cleans, helps cook and the topper on the cake, I make him make his own decisions. MIL gets so mad at me because she thinks I should force DS1 to do things he really doesn't want to do. Sorry not going to happen.
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Post by doeeyedgirl on Sept 11, 2012 7:52:13 GMT -6
As mean as it sounds, I think with my DH it mainly comes down to sheer laziness. And his idea of a 'clean' house is way different than mine. To give you an example, he works nights, but he gets up on Mon/Wed/Fri to take DS2 to school now. He says to me, 'I'm going to be way to tired to help out around the house on those days.' My response, 'As long as you clean up after yourself, then I don't care.' Because he is the main contributor to the mess in our home!
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Post by onlyoneboy on Sept 11, 2012 7:55:06 GMT -6
Does he have any specific chores in the house to do? For example DH has to clean the bathrooms, take out the garbage, take out something for dinner. If he is doing those things I tend to overlook some of the other things. Although I'm still pissed about the kitchen not getting cleaned up when I asked him to, because he had a hard time waking up. I wonder if I come home from work and I'm to tired to take care of the boys and feed them what he would think of that.
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Post by onlyoneboy on Sept 11, 2012 7:58:04 GMT -6
I put a stop to DH's potty mouth when DS1 was born. He's pretty good about watching his mouth around the kids now. When DH gets home from work he empties his pockets of his pants on my side of the bed and then changes clothes and puts his dirty clothes on my side of the bed. So when I go to bed, usually before him, I just toss everything on to his side of the bed so he has to deal with it when he comes to bed in the dark. One of these days he will figure it out.
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