To file, or not to file?

[apryllraye87]

Currently my ex pays me weekly. I just tell him what he owes me for DS and he transfers the money into my account. This is working fine (for now) but lately he has been ditching out on DS A LOT. I know he is 'newly single' and in party mode & blah blah blah but it makes me so angry. He's always been a good a dad (for 5 years) and now all the sudden he decides to be a dead beat!? I just don't get it.

Anyway, I finally told him if he doesn't start stepping up I'm going to file for child support (which I originally said I wouldn't as long as he paid me and didn't ditch DS). I don't get any state assistance and pay for everything for DS myself, plus since we were never married I automatically have full custody so he'd have to pay quite a bit. I would NEVER want to keep DS from his dad, but I feel like if I'm going to have him 95% of the time and my ex is only going to take him when it's 'convenient' he should be paying support. Considering I'm paying for all his food, gas to get him places, clothes, etc.

The problem is he can't take him overnight where he is staying right now because they have dogs and they don't like kids and it also isn't very close to our house. So I want him to get his own place on DS' bus route, which he would never be able to afford if I file for support. I'd be getting about 1/3 of his income.

Some people tell me to file ASAP.. other people tell me not to. Idk what to do anymore. He works for a union so I've been told that all I'd have to do is tell them where he works and they could deduct it from his checks (not sure if that's true or not) so I'm not worried about not getting paid, unless he loses his job or something.

Any advice from other mama's that have gone through this!?

[laurac]

I would file. Strictly because you want what's best for your DS. Make it legal.

[dara1012]

I would file if I were in your position. Yes, he might be good about paying you now, but that could change and you need to be able to provide for DS.

One of my good friends has her kids about 2-3 nights/week and every other weekend and she pays a lot in child support to her ex-husband, even when she is buying clothes, food, etc for the kids. Now that they are teenagers there are times when she'll say, "your dad needs to buy that for you since I pay him child support" but most of the time she just buys it for them.

[doeeyedgirl]

It is the best interest of you, DS and your ex to file. If any state assistance (even insurance) is ever needed, the state can be quite aggressive about having Child Support in place. There is a calculator out there that will help you determine what his support would be:
childsupportcalculator.dhs.state.mn.us/
And if you fill out the "Full child support services" forms, the county will take care of filing all of this information for you for free:
www.dhs.state.mn.us/main/idcplg?IdcService=GET_DYNAMIC_CONVERSION&RevisionSelectionMethod=LatestReleased&dDocName=id_000756

Unfortunately, it isn't as easy as telling the company and the company withholding funds. The state will actually take care of figuring out the calculations and submitting the forms to the courts for finalization. This will be the most financially efficient way for you.

I know that this is another rough step for you because you want to trust your ex, like you were able to in the past. Unfortunately, this is just another step for you and DS to move on and make a life for yourselves. Plus, it will take a lot of the worry and stress off of you to try and contact him to let him know.

[bumblebee23]

I would file and just get everything in writing....that way he can't flake on paying you. Then you wouldn't have to deal with the mess if one day he decides to be a jerk and just quite paying you.

[merrr]

Ditto.

[sharon]

Is there any point at which it's too late to file? Or can it be done at any time? I apologize - I know nothing about this.

[doeeyedgirl]

It is never too late to file; however, if you were to want back-pay, then it only goes back two years, I believe.

[jlschlangen]

I say file. Also anything he does or doesn't do journal it in case you ever have to go to court b/c of the ex.

[sharon]

I would say don't file then. The lower the level of conflict the better for everyone. So I would say to not file and try to keep the conflict level low. You can always file later if it becomes impossible not to.
I know I'm in the minority here.

[brandi6685]

I agree with Sharon. I would wait to file. The only reason I get child support is because I was on assistance and they file for you. I didn't cancel it when I got off assistance because Ds's dad refused to help out with any thing DS needed. Yes he took him every other weekend. But he didn't help with clothes shoes diapers or even transportation for his weekends for awhile. So if your ex is coraporating now I would wait to file to try to keep the peace and see if he will get a place of his own.

[sharon]

If you feel like it would be beneficial to involve a neutral party, you could go to moderation and set up something more concrete there, too.

[laurac]

What are you thinking, Apryll?

I think Cyndy gave some really great advice.

[apryllraye87]

Thanks for all the advice ladies.. I'm still torn, I know I should probably file in case he stops paying but like Sharon & Brandi said I can always file later and I feel like a lower level of conflict is best right now...

I know if he gets served with the papers he will flip out and things could get very ugly, which I don't want considering "we" still have a $6,000 credit card balance that he owes half of. Also, everything in my house (including the house) is 'ours' together and if he wanted to be really nasty he could take everything and legally there isn't anything I could do about it.

He doesn't care about his credit and I've always had really good credit so I'm scared that he will just stop paying things that are in both of our names and ruin mine.

Wow, I forgot how fun breakups are :/

[angel22]

I would file now. Yes, it'd be great to keep things on the "I trust you and everything is great" level but it isn't going to last. If you file later and then ask for back support it'll end up adding up to more than he can probably pay and you'll be lucky to get ANYTHING from him- even to the detriment of himself. I'm sure it feels like he'd be able to take everything from you but it really isn't very likely. MN is really "all about mom" when it comes to stuff like this so you'd likely not lose much to him. You also can't decide for him where he is going to live. Bus route would be great, but the courts won't force him to do it. Also, the entire part about credit is true, don't let him ruin yours- get things changed (if possible) asap! Talk to him about this first, though, so that when he does get served he doesn't flip out and make everything very ugly. Right now you're just delaying the inevitable. Best of luck and (((HUGS))) to you!