Talking to Kids about Horrific Stuff ...

[ReneeW]

My BFF and I were talking yesterday about when/how we think we should talk to our kids about crimes against humanity and horrible unthinkable events that occur. The conversation began because she was talking about the Holocaust museum in D.C. and wanting to take her kids there when they get older, and we were debating:

When is the right age?
How do you bring it up in a way that's honest and thoughtful but doesn't scare the daylights out of your kid?

As parents we know our kids and their individual natures and maturity--of course those will be key factors in deciding when to bring up certain topics. I think part of the problem is that even as adults we have a hard time wrapping our brains around horrific crimes against humanity. I guess when the time comes I'll try to be truthful about the horrors while also mentioning the people who fought for good (i.e. people who hid Jewish people from the Nazis, members of the Underground Railroad) ... and me myself shall stay hopeful that goodness, love, peace, and joy shall overcome in the end, and we all have the power to spread kindness to the people around us.

What are your thoughts?

[sharon]

Definitely a complicated question with no easy answer. And we each bring our own baggage to it.

I had the experience of being traumatized with graphic Holocaust pictures at my Hebrew school in 3rd grade and felt forever changed by the experience. I was a sensitive child to be sure, but it was also just a horrible way to try to teach.

As a result I felt completely at a loss as to how to approach the Holocaust with my son. I had dealt with many other really tough subjects with him but was terrified of this one. But being Jewish he was going to learn about it, so avoiding it completely wasn't an option.

Over the last few years I've tried really hard to work on my own panic and work through being able to talk to him about it. There are some really good, totally age appropriate books.

Some of the things i have found work for us -

- No graphic photographs.
- Starting with very basic info and answering questions without jumping in with lots of details.
- Concentrating on the "helpers" (as Mr. Rogers would say). There are so many stories of people helping in the most horrific circumstances. These help him see the best of humanity, not just the worst.
- Using appropriate books as an avenue to share the topic. Someone's specific story shares the information without leaving me trying to convey the enormity of it, which I really can't.

But all that being said we are still totally figuring this out.

[sharon]

This is an essay I wrote a couple of years ago about this stuff -

tcjewfolk.com/my-terror-not-his/

[ReneeW]

Wow, Sharon ... I just read your essay and I'm getting tears in my eyes. How scary for a little kiddo of NINE years old, and I appreciate that you're aware the teachers didn't mean to terrorize you, but you were scarred for life in a really deep way.

Being a parent is hard when the world can be an inhumane, unfair, brutal place -- as well as an incredible, forgiving, glorious and love-filled place.

[sharon]

I think it's OK to tilt toward the incredible, forgiving, glorious and love-filled. I don't feel like we need to try to convey the horror in a way our children grasp. I don't think they CAN grasp it and that's as it should be.

[ReneeW]

Has anyone talked to their kids about Boston? If so, what have you said?

DH and I haven't said anything--so far our kids haven't heard or seen anything that's had them question what happened so we're just keeping mum on it. I figure, the fewer scary things they hear about the better. They're 8 & 5 and I'd rather keep them sheltered, but I also am worried that they'll hear about it elsewhere--I'd rather they hear about it from me and DH. But I guess I'd rather they not hear anything at all, to be honest.

[ReneeW]

(DUPLICATE)

[sharon]

We did. We said the basic facts - that there were two explosions that appeared to be bombs at the Boston Marathon and that 2 people died (this was yesterday) and a lot of people were very injured. We told stories of people rushing to help each other, including the one where several of the runners kept right on running to the hospital to give blood (not sure if that's true or urban legend, but it suited our purpose so I didn't really care). We told him we were having a no NPR rule indefinitely because of the coverage.

I did not follow up this morning with the news that an 8 year old boy was the third to die, or the other things that family is facing. We talked briefly this morning and it hasn't come up since.

Here is what I posted on Facebook this morning -

"Me: Remember Bruce and Karen who had the big 515 party?
Ian: Yes.
Me: Bruce wrote a really wonderful piece about why we shouldn't be afraid.
Ian: Because everyone helped.
Me: What do you mean?
Ian: Everyone helped. The runners and the spectators rushed in to help. That why we shouldn't be afraid. Because when things happen lots of people help.

And neither of us read him that Mr. Rogers quote."

Bruce Schneier is a friend of ours, and if you haven't read his piece in the Atlantic today, you should:

www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/04/the-boston-marathon-bombing-keep-calm-and-carry-on/275014/

[sharon]

I should add part of why we told him is that he wants to listen to NPR A LOT, and so he would know something bad had happened if we weren't letting him turn it on. The last time we didn't allow it was after Sandy Hook. I feel like it would create more fear to have him know that something bad had happened but not what.

Also, I knew he would hear about it at school and I'd rather he hear about scary things from us first, so we can present it how we choose.

[dara1012]

I saw the Mr Roger's quote so many times on FB last night. While these situations are devastating, there are always more people who help than hurt.

DS is 5 and I don't feel that he needs to know about this particular situation. We had to talk a bit about Sandy Hook, because they did a lockdown drill at DS's school and he had some questions. I just turned the station on the radio if they started talking about Boston when getting ready this morning and driving to school.

As DS gets older I know we will have to have these conversations because I want him to hear from us and not the other kids at school or other adults. This is one of the hardest parts of being a parent, when we can't protect them from everything. I appreciate what you have written about this topic Sharon, and will use some of your advice in the future.