Need some advice!!!

[onlyoneboy]

Hi Ladies. I need some help/advice/something. Here is the short version of what is going on:

DH and I have been having lots of long conversations and have finally come to the decision that his parents will no longer being able to have unsupervised time with the boys. Less than 24 hours after this decision was made:

DH takes the boys to the St. Croix Railroad in Hudson, WI. DS2 falls asleep on the way there but didn’t nap long enough and was really crabby. This was about 10:30 am. Instead of him calling me (as I stayed home to get ready to head out of town for the night) to see if I can come get him or to even ask what he should do, he calls his mother and gives DS2 to her to bring to their house, by herself, for him to nap. I am beyond pissed and I really don’t know if I can get passed this one. It wasn’t even 24 hours before that, that we talked about this. I’m so tired of him making his mother happy, no matter what it does to us.

Since then DH has told his parents that they will no longer be able to see the boys unsupervised and has asked me to go to conseling with him. I am still so upset that he would go behind my back and do this. It was a joint agreement as he doesn't want our kids to go thru the manupaluation and other things he went thru growing up. At this point I really don't know if I can move past it. I have asked DH to leave the house and he refuses.

Any adivce would be appreciated as I don't have my mom to talk to anymore and I don't have any really close friends to ask either. You all are my friends.

[bunsy]

I would be pissed too. You should be pissed. That was very childish of him. He made a bad decision. Counseling sounds important. Maybe an impartial 3rd party can help him see the light.

[dara1012]

I would also be upset. But I think it is important that you 2 go to counseling so you can work through this, for you, for your DH, for you as a couple and for your boys.

We don't know the whole back story of what it was like for your DH growing up, but that could be part of what happened, falling back into bad habits based on the manipulation he endured. I don't know, but I do think that counseling is really important.

[ReneeW]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, Gwen. UGH. And you absolutely have a right to feel angry about it -- for DH to agree to one thing and then do the opposite is disrespectful and irresponsible. That being said, I think that Debbie has a good point--not an excuse but to understand a bit--that your DH has endured a lifetime of manipulation and it will be hard for him to break out of a lifetime rut without some help. Hopefully a counselor can give him some tools to use to counter his "hard to break" habit and also shine some light on what is going on. Hang in there.

[sweetpeamom25]

I agree with others, you have a right to be upset, definitely. My husband has done stuff like that in the past and it always makes my blood boil! You talk about something and a minute late they're doing the opposite. Unfortunately I think we all know men's minds don't work like ours, also sounds like he went through a lot growing up. I think counseling would be a great idea. My husband and I went to counseling a few years back and it helped. It was hard, because you have to be open and honest, but having a 3rd party help us work through some things really did help.

[laurac]

How are you today, Gwen?

[onlyoneboy]

Hi Ladies. Thanks for asking LC. I'm doing ok. DH and I talked quite a bit last night. I told him I'm willing to go to counseling but am apprenhensive at the same time. I'm scared I'm going to put all this work into it and he's just going to turn around and do it again. I've told him in the past that I won't raise my boys the way either of us were raised. That means growing up in a house with a parent that abused alchol. That is why DH is in recovery and I am still with him because he is in recovery. And in a manipulative enviroment. DH talked to his mom last night, of course she tried to blame me for everything. I have a feeling I'm not getting the whole story of what was said on the phone out of DH. I may ask him about it again.

I told him I would try, he needs to set up both couple consuling and individual for himself so he can learn how to not let his mom do this to our family. I've also told him this is his last chance. If it happens again I'm leaving.

After 20 years it's time for him to put me first. I told DH I've put up with it this long because I thought that was the only way I could have him, now I'm done putting up with it and if he want's me then he needs to change things.

[laurac]

I hope this works for you, Gwen.