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Post by ReneeW on Oct 5, 2013 10:54:50 GMT -6
OK, so this is a weird topic and I'm not sure what, if anything, to do. My DD is 8, and sometimes, not to sound mean but she really has an action, expression, etc. that is SO majorly hugely geeky!!
Don't get me wrong, I love and adore this kid through and through, and she can be the biggest geek on the planet, it won't change my fierce love for this kid. However, I see some of her mannerisms and they make me worried that they could cause her to be bullied or otherwise made fun of down the road. The pre-teen and teenage years are hard enough as it is, and if I can save her some pain I will try.
So ... my question is, do I bring this up with my child? And if so, how? I don't want to crush her spirit or seem critical, I want to help her. I want her to be confident and feel great about herself, so the way I would potentially bring this up would have to be so, so very delicate. Which makes me kind of think to NOT bring it up and let whatever happens, happen. Eventually other kids may just tease her about it and she'll stop on her own. I just will feel so bad when/if that happens.
Any insight would be appreciated! Thanks!
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Post by dara1012 on Oct 5, 2013 11:50:09 GMT -6
This is a tough one.
I understand your tendency and desire to protect your DD from potentially being teased. I have the same desire as a mom.
But, I think being a genuine person is the most important thing. If your daughter is authentic and true to herself she will be much happier in the long run then if she spends time worrying about whether people will like her and changing things about herself to fit a mold that doesn't feel natural.
I spent too much time of my upper elementary through high school years not being comfortable in myself because I was always trying to be "popular". I was teased for being overweight and ended up with an eating disorder to try and be something I wasn't. I pretended I didn't like reading and wasn't good in school, so that the "popular" kids would like me. When I accepted that I loved school, learning, reading, etc and didn't hide my good grades I felt better.
Later in high school I developed genuine friendships when I accepted who I was and was accepted for who I was. As an adult I feel more genuine than ever before and I have good friends who love me and accept me for all of who I am.
If your daughter brings up being uncomfortable about her mannerisms/expressions, etc then I would broach the subject. But, if she is happy with who she is, help her to develop friendships that accept all of her and don't require her to change something. She will remember more your support of her than any nay-sayers. If she feels that you also agree with kids who tease her, she may feel like you are not okay with who she is.
I think about some of my "geeky" friends and though some years might be hard, eventually they all have found acceptance in social groups. It's finding the right fit and being comfortable and confident in yourself that is most important.
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Post by bunsy on Oct 5, 2013 11:56:24 GMT -6
Hard one. No answer but didn't want you to feel ignored.
Unless it was really extreme, I would probably let it go and model different behavior when possible.
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Post by ReneeW on Oct 5, 2013 11:59:34 GMT -6
Thanks for that insight!! So far I have felt the same way -- that the "cost" to her self esteem and her sense of self is too great for me to say anything, howevery delicately I would try to phrase things. It's true that I inwardly cringe when I see some of her mannerisms because I'm afraid it will cause pain for her. But I don't want my kid to be "popular" if it's going to stifle her and make her feel like she has to pretend to be something or someone she's not. I'd much rather she be true to herself, absolutely!!! I love who she is and feel guilty for even noticing her "acting geeky" moments, but I can't help but notice them. And then I worry about the consequences.
My DH had a tough time in his teen years being bullied, and DD1 is JUST LIKE him. He's mentioned at times, "Why didn't my parents do something or SAY something to me??" to help him change, which is why he and I are both more aware and sensitive to behaviors that might get our kids picked on. But if there's a chance my DD will think we don't love her unconditionally--despite us always telling our kids how much we love them no matter what, always and forever past the end of time--if there's even a chance that she'll feel like we don't love her, it's not worth the risk.
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Post by bunsy on Oct 5, 2013 12:02:40 GMT -6
Well said Debbie!
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