5YO Boy Crazy, UGH! Help!

[ReneeW]

So my 5YO has always been a total girly girl. If I'd let her, she'd wear dresses or skirts every day and a full face of makeup with a purse and high heels and start going on dates with her latest kindergarten crush. Seriously. UGH. While I'm not a tomboy, I'm not that froofroo and I'm rather at a loss of what to do (if anything). We've always read books such as Cinder Edna (to counter Cinderella); emphasized the importance of being a strong, empowered individual; tried to stress that it's important to use your brains and try your best ... but I feel like I'm failing her on the whole "being judged based on your attractiveness" thing, regardless of how many times I say that it's your character that counts. Or -- is it just that she happens to love and adore things like fashion, hair and makeup, and I should accept this and not try to change my child into a version that I think she should be???

So ... I need some ideas for strategies to at least balance out her frillyness without changing her own unique SELF. I think we may have to start looking at commercials and discussing how they try to feed off of people's insecurities to make you buy stuff. Or perhaps talk about how it's really great to have friends both girls and boys but you don't need to have "boyfriends" when you're 5 (or 15 or 25 for that matter) -- it's great to like people but the most important thing is growing as an individual and focusing on your friends, studies, sports. There'll be plenty of time for boyfriends when she's older. Heck, I don't know. Helpppppp!!!

[sharon]

I think you're mentioning commercials is key. It's a big reason we don't often watch commercial television - even when the show is fine the commercials are usually extremely sexist or otherwise inappropriate and the ones aimed at kids seem to be the worst. Cognitively kids can't really understand that the commercial isn't presenting absolute fact until age 6 or 7. So engaging in the conversation might be a great start, but avoiding the commercials might be more effective.

As far as the "boyfriends" think I think saying just what you say above - "you are 5 and you will have boyfriends (personally I would add "or girlfriends" since we don't push heterosexism either) when you are older."

I think you do have to accept her style and tastes - that's her. But you can watch the influences you are letting push her, so that she really can figure out what is her, and you can expect her to use her brains no matter what she is wearing. Adults tend to comment on what boys do but what girls wear, so one thing that can help is to just get out of the habit of commenting on appearance and instead talk about ideas and actions.

Hopefully she can find things she is interested in that are more than just clothes. What does she like? Maybe you can help her broaden or build on her interests but doing something or learning about something together.

Also 5 is an age of stereotypical gender stuff for many. Developmentally kids are mastering rules and categories and tend to push gender stereotypes on others and go extreme with them for themselves. They usually find more balance as they mature a bit more. So while it is concerning and you should certainly help her move beyond it as much as you can, also know it is very much the age.

So what does she like? Has she discovered any passions yet?

[sharon]

You might be interested to follow this page on Facebook:

www.facebook.com/PigtailPals\


This woman has a t-shirt company that is geared toward challenging gender stereotypes, and she posts a lot about raising her kids to be free to be themselves and challenging the stereotypes around her. I enjoy her posts a lot.

[ReneeW]

Thanks, Sharon, I appreciate your input! We don't let our kids watch any commercial TV either, I was just thinking of using commercials (or ads, they do see some paper ads here and there) as an example of bad stereotyping/societal pressure (but I wasn't clear on that in my post, my bad). She likes soccer and loves to swim. Hmm, maybe we need to DVR some women's soccer games and take her to a swim meet or something--make sure she's seeing strong women athletes in action. She loves to play dress up/pretend play, do art projects, sing. It's reassuring to hear that part of this may be her age and current stage. But I also want to be aware of my own self and what I may inadvertently be doing to reinforce girly stereotypes. It's a great reminder for me, when she comes running in saying, "Mommy, look at my outfit," I can say, "That's fine but what I REALLY like is how you shared your toy," or what have you.

I glanced at the link you posted, looks good! I'm going to have to follow that page for sure!

[sharon]

My general response to the "look at my outfit" thing is "You know what I like better than ANYTHING you wear? YOU!"

[sharon]

(And sorry I misunderstood the commercial thing!)

[ReneeW]

Oh no worries, Sharon! I didn't take it negatively. I LOVE your comment about what's better than the clothing is the kid wearing them, great comeback!

This has been a motivator for me to reflect on my any unconscious signals I'm sending my kids ... they've caught me catching "What Not to Wear" on occasion (a guilty pleasure, I love that show because fashion is not my forte so I like to get ideas -- and they also emphasize the person's need to gain confidence and feel good about herself). It's weird because my mom NEVER spent time or money on herself, never bought new clothes, was/is very selfless. My sisters and I have talked about how as adults we feel guilty spending money on clothes, getting our hair done etc. but that professionally you do need to consider your wardrobe and presenting yourself in a certain way. So ... it's kind of an internal conflict for me personally when it comes to clothes and hair and all of that materialistic stuff that's a part of our society. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't spend money that could go to the kids, but I realize that I need to come across in a certain way for my professional growth. Also my kids should see that it's OK as adults to do things for your own self, you don't have to be a martyr to be a good parent.

[sharon]

Agreed. That can be a hard balance.