Need advice for my self-depricating DD

[ladyandrearose]

My DD is 7 years old. She holds herself to the highest of standards (which are impossible to meet and frankly, we don't know where it come from, because we are not demanding perfection. I encourage mistakes as a way of learning) when it come to school work and karate. One misspelled word, on wrong math problem or she come across a word she can't read right way she either cries or says she "stinks" at math, reading, whatever and wants to give up on it. If she is working on learning a new skill, same thing, if she doesn't get it the first time, we get tears and more tears, and a self-deprecating attitude.

Things we have tried, telling her she is smart, telling her that mistakes are ok and a part of learning, reminding her of times she couldn't do a certain skill that she is now good at, we tell her about similar situation that DH and I have faced in the past and how we learned and how we felt about it.

I used to be very good at self-deprication. (I'm better, but I'm sure I still say things like, hey, dummy that was pretty stupid, when I do something wrong without realizing it) I can't really remember how I started to change it. I just know I want her to live a different life than I did. These self-induced lies and unrealistic expectations take such a toll on mental health, physical health and self-esteem.

Tonight when it happened again, I lost my patience a little bit. I told her, "I love you, I think you are smart. I'm not going to sit here and blow sunshine at you, because you need to believe it for yourself."

She has confidence most of the time, but she has a hard time in believing in herself and I am out of ideas on how to help her. Any thoughts or words of advice? Thanks so much.

[dara1012]

DS gets like this too.

He has always been a fast learner and things in life have come pretty easily to him. Now that he is in kindergarten things are a little harder. Sometimes it seems if he doesn't "get it" immediately then he dissolves into tears, says he'll never understand, that he does everything wrong, etc. and spirals out of control from there. This can happen if he doesn't do his homework "perfect".

We have one of those canvas prints with "Family Rules" that hangs in our dining room surrounded by family pictures. One of the rules is "do your best". So when he is down on himself, we remind him that the "rules" don't say "be perfect" or "do it right the first time", they say "do your best" and that mom and dad are proud of him when he tries hard and does his best. Eventually it works, sometimes it takes until the next day to click for him.

DH recently showed DS a video on Youtube where it talks about all the "failures" of famous people. Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison Oprah, Michael Jordan, etc. and then he talked to him about all that they did. This really made an impact on DS.

Good luck ---- I have always been hard on myself (still am at times) so I know where my DS and your DD are coming from. My expectations for me have always been higher than the expectations of my parents, teachers, employer, etc.

[ladyandrearose]

Thanks Dara! I like your family rules idea!

[ReneeW]

Great ideas! I would also just mention emphasizing to your DD the importance of trying, struggling, and working hard to grasp something rather than "you're smart." I used to tell my kids that they're smart but stopped (or I'm trying to anyway!) after reading the article below -- it maintains that kids who are told they're smart give up more quickly when they face a struggle. I don't know that this is 100% the (capital T) Truth but I've adopted some of the advice.

abcnews.go.com/blogs/lifestyle/2012/02/why-you-shouldnt-tell-your-kids-theyre-smart/

Here's a good paragraph:
"Kids who were told they were smart were more likely to rely on their intelligence and discount the importance of effort. They worried more about keeping up the appearance of being “smart” rather than trying to learn new skills. However, if a kid was told that they were doing well because they worked hard, they were more likely to take risks and try increasingly difficult problems. The group that was praised for being “smart” suddenly focused on managing the appearance of intelligence to avoid the risk of making a mistake. The “smart” group quickly developed a fear of failure and did everything to avoid it. However, the other group was told that their intelligence was something to be developed through hard work and, as a result, they took increasingly greater risks in order to learn. When this group made mistakes, they worked hard to learn from them."

Isn't that interesting??? I was so surprised to read this article, it made me really stop and think about what I'm telling my DDs. So now when they do well, I say, "Wow, you must have really worked hard on this, way to give it your all," and if they don't do so well, it's, "I know this is a LOT of hard work, but that's OK if it's hard, you just have to keep working at it and try try try, eventually through struggling you'll get it, but it takes time and work," etc.

[ladyandrearose]

Rene: that is so awesome! That's exactly what I needed! You're the best.

[ladyandrearose]

Rene: that is so awesome! That's exactly what I needed! You're the best.