How do you find your way back?

[sweetpeamom25]

I’ll try to make a long story short. My husband and I are just in a bad place. We have two young children, and we fight all the time. I’ve had some health issues over the last year that hasn’t helped; it’s been added stress and has caused me to have more mood swings than the average female...LOL. I’m still working on getting things under control, but it could be awhile before I’m back to normal. I feel like my husband hasn’t been there when I’ve needed him, and he feels like I’m always so crabby and irritable that he can do nothing right.
We’ve thought of separating for awhile, but with two young children, that’s obviously hard. I’m so exhausted that there is no way I could care for them on my own. We’ve thought of counseling but don’t know how we would work that into our already hectic schedule.

Without going into everything, I’m just wondering, when you and your hubby are in a funk, how do you get out of it? How do you let things go and get past the negative and back to a good place? We’ve tried to have more date nights or time for us, but it’s been hard to find people to watch the kids. And that time is good and all, but we’re still stuck in that funk. 

[onlyoneboy]

I'm so sorry sweetpea. Please know other's have been where you are. DH and I have been married 19 years and we have been there as well. We've done the counseling thing, we've done date nights, we've done it all. We finally found the root of part of the problem. Depression. Once that aspect was worked out things started to turn around. Both of us have battled with it at some point or another. DH is still on and will always be on depression meds. I have been able to get off of them. Please talk to your doctor. If you are having health issues that may be part of the problem. Talk to anyone that will listen, it will help. Remember in order for any relationship to work you have to work on yourself first.

good luck, we are all here for you.

[dara1012]

Sorry to hear this!

One thing I would say is that you can't always control your DH's responses or his actions, but you can control yours. Try to focus on the good things about him, praise him when helps with things, go out of your way to be kind, focus on the positives in your life. I find when I am frustrated at work, life, etc. I tend to take things out on DH. I am quick to get upset with him for every little thing. I have tried to be purposefully nice, even when I want to get upset, I put it back on me and try to figure out how I can handle the situation better or how I would want to be treated. It really helps.

also- spending quality time together is important. Set a couple of nights a week that you will spend together once the kids are asleep. Take about your days, really listen to each other. Maybe get a table topics set (it's cards that have questions to ask others) and pay attention to his responses.

Best wishes, feel free to come here for support.

[ReneeW]

What a yucky place to be stuck in, I'm sorry you're going through this. NO FUN.

My thoughts about it are - to really look for the good in each other. You can have a sit down talk and agree to try to treat each other like you're dating. I know it's hard to do when you're exhausted and cranky, but the little "thank yous" to each other, "I appreciate you," "Thank you for doing XYZ" really make a difference.

One book I read that really helped me was the 5 Love Languages -- don't know if you've read it but I loved that book. I'm an "acts of service" love language but DH is a "words of affirmation." So I know that I really need to focus on what I say to him and how, and he knows that if he does something for me it makes me happy. It's helped both of us "get" each other.

Oh, and one thing I try to tell myself is - when I'm annoyed because DH didn't do something or was a "typical man" about something is I would try to make it more humorous to myself inwardly. As in I would think, "Oh, that's so funny he's just such a GUY." instead of getting mad. Not to belittle him or to excuse it, just to kind of remind myself that men don't see crumbs, men don't always notice what women notice (again, apologies for the stereotyping!) but in my house it does happen. And so I try to look at the gender differences as interesting, rather than being a failure on his part.

Hmmm .... what else ... I guess when DH and I aren't getting along it usually means we both feel unappreciated. We both feel taken for granted. So those thank yous, I appreciate you, I value you, we're a team in this together (not adversaries) but we're all a team makes us feel better. We tell that to the kids too, that we're all at team working together and we all need to help each other and build each other up and support each other.

OK, sorry for the rambling but those are my thoughts! I'll add more later if I think of it.

Hang in there, best of luck to you as you just work through these tough times.