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Post by lissa on Nov 29, 2011 20:43:52 GMT -6
So I have the kids 50/50. They are 3 and 11 months. I am SO happy in my life and LOVE being a single mom. It's actually pretty easy for me. I have lots of help from family/friends and my SO.
My only issue is that what I do at my house ex doesn't do at his. Potty training is taking 3 times as long because he doesn't do anything over there at all. DD is 11 months and doing lots of table foods. He thinks I'm nuts that I'm not just giving her bottles and baby food.
Do I fight it? Request a meeting? Just deal? Rules are different too. He lets DS watch violent shows and Transformers/Spiderman. If he watches tv at my house it's Word World. He isn't allowed to have transformers or spider man or bat man in my house. It's amazing how much better he is here too.
Thoughts?
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Post by sharon on Nov 30, 2011 6:16:11 GMT -6
I would let it go. I think trying to control that which you have no control over will just make you crazy. If anything, I would just let your ex know what is working at your house. "I just wanted to mention that the potty training is going really well lately. We remind him every house [or whatever you do] to go try, and he's been dry most days!" But it's totally up to him how he cares for your son.
My sister divorced 10 years ago, and they have 3 kids who were ages 5 - 13 at the time. At first she really tried to have consistency, but she just made herself crazy trying to get an ex who had no desire to do so, to do it "her way." In the end she found was all she could do was do what she thought was best when the kids were with her, and communicate respectfully with her ex. What her ex did with the information was beyond her control and she had to let go of wanting otherwise.
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Post by apryllraye87 on Nov 30, 2011 7:11:32 GMT -6
I agree with Sharon. I realize it's not as easy as it sounds (it would be verryyy difficult for me because I tend to lean towards being a control freak about msot things). I actually just read an article yesterday about this same thing. I'll copy and paste:
Fortunately, kids who go back and forth between Mom's house and Dad's can grow into healthy adults…if their divorced parents can avoid getting sucked into the trap of trying to control what they can't. Far too often divorced parents waste tremendous amounts of energy…and create unnecessary tension…by trying to control the "ex." Since kids are designed to test the security of limits, they often feed right into this trap by saying things like, "Dad lets me." Smart parents know that kids are capable of adjusting to different styles of parenting, and that children will eventually…as adults…come to respect the parent who is the healthiest. When their child says something like, "Mom gives me candy before dinner," these wise parents don't call their ex and accuse. They don't complain about their ex in front of the child. They don't get angry. They just smile and answer, "You noticed that your parents are different. I allow dessert after dinner."
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Post by laurac on Nov 30, 2011 8:19:36 GMT -6
The thing is, he won't know why DS is acting out, or violently at his house until he figures out maybe this age isn't the best age to be watching the transformers, etc. He can act like that at Dad's house. But not yours. And the ladies are right. You can't control or change him and that's so frustrating!
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Post by bumblebee23 on Nov 30, 2011 11:54:15 GMT -6
The ladies are right you can't control everything but I don't really agree with the rest. I think if you have problems or are worried about something you should have a meeting with him. Preferably when the kids aren't around. Just because you are not together anymore does not mean you parenting has to be completely seperate. Your ex may not listen to you but at least you tryed. Ask him to start helping you potty train your daughter so she can be more independent, explain to him some of the things she eats while she is at your house. And request that he follow certain movie ratings for your son to watch and why you feel that way. The least you can do is try. You both want the best for your children and hopefully he will be open to your suggestions.
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Post by sharon on Nov 30, 2011 18:47:35 GMT -6
Also remember that it's not having divorced parents that adversely effects kids - it's living in high conflict situations. So while having different rules and different houses isn't ideal, creating conflict is probably worse for him, and we all said above, it's certainly harder on you.
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Post by angel22 on Dec 6, 2011 14:10:38 GMT -6
I would arrange a meeting, sans kids, and go over things with him (and allow him to discuss his concerns with you.) Stay pleasant, no anger or accusations. You may come to an agreement on things, you may not but once you've aired your concerns that's all you can do. You can't control him or his house rules- that's not your place any more. Same as he can't control you. Don't dwell on what's going on when you aren't around, focus on what you CAN control.
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