Smother-in-law UPDATE

[doeeyedgirl]

HELP!

As most of you know, I recently got married. I love my new family. I get along with everyone. Apparently too well. My mother-in-law is smothering me!!! She calls me more than my own mother and my mom and I are best friends. If I don't answer my phone, she calls me until I answer. I'm afraid if I didn't, she would call the National Guard. She tried calling twice today (once while I was at work and couldn't talk) and once when I was at home doing the evening routine with my kids. To be honest, I just didn't feel like talking on the phone. I just received a text from her saying, "R U ignoring me?"
SERIOUSLY?
My husband and I have decided to have a baby soon and I am terrified to tell her. I told him he wasn't allowed to tell her we were trying or that we are pregnant until I am three months along (kind of a superstition thing for me). I'm afraid that once I do, it will just continue to get worse and worse.
How do I put an end to this? How do I explain that I am her daughter-in-law, not her best friend? I hate confrontation, but this is not going to end well if this continues.

Double help!
I know I posted this a while ago, but I wanted to do an update and ask for more advice. I feel like all I do is complain about this situation; however, it continues to escalate.
It all started with this: As I mentioned in another post, DH and I decided that due to the stressfulness of traveling and shuffling last year that we would not be celebrating Christmas with MIL and their family ON Christmas day. We gladly offered to host on Christmas Eve or celebrate on the weekend before or after. This turned into a massive ‘temper tantrum’ on my MIL’s part. She got angry, threw a fit and continued to make DH feel guilty for his decision. We had a pretty big blow out over it, which resulted in me feeling really overwhelmed with this situation and suggesting that maybe we wait to have a baby. Harsh words of separation were said, but I know that it never really would have resulted in that. In this time, DH called MIL informing her that he may need help (financially) because he may be separating from me. Biggest mistake ever, but I understand that other than me, he doesn’t have any friends to really talk to about it.
Fast forward a little, DH and I have worked through things and come through stronger than ever. We have come to an agreement on the issues at hand and have started to build these boundaries with MIL. This includes me not talking to her on the phone 16 times a week. In fact, things have been so busy and since I have no trust in her anyway (she is total drama and tends to tell your business to anyone who will listen), I haven’t spoken to her. Add this to the Christmas issue and whatever else she can conspire; my MIL seems to be my worst enemy now. She calls DH 1-2 times a day to ‘make sure he’s ok’ and to check in on things. If he chooses to answer, then that’s his cross to bear. But lately, she has escalated things. She has been making DH feel guilty for spending time with me, tells him that he better watch his back because if I did a 360 on her then I will do a 360 on him and leave him while taking him for everything he has, and the recent kicker was that she told DH not to adopt DS2, because all I want is his money and then I will leave him. At that point, he told her to shut up and stop acting like a child.
I am lost in what to do, ladies. I have prayed and talked to others for advice. DH is very loyal to MIL, as he was raised solely by her. When he and I spoke yesterday, he wants this fixed. I told him that I don’t know if me speaking to her will fix it because she isn’t going to like what I have to say.
HELP! WWYD in my situation? (Sorry, I know it’s a repetitive issue and that this is lengthy, but other than praying about this, I am so lost on what DH and I need to do to handle this)

[AuntSueto4]

Hi,

Are you her first daughter in law?that she wants to have as a daughter? Maybe she's so happy to have you as a daughter that she may be going a little over much? imo, you need to set boundaries early on in your relationship with her, the longer you wait, the harder it will be to do later.

"I appreciate __________ fill in the blank, and I want to get to know you, and would like phone calls on _________fill in blank (once, twice, three times a week, or certain days of the week, certain set time, etc). I am busy at work and not able to take your calls there." and add whatever else you'd like to say to her, and see if that helps.

{{{HHHUUUGGGSSS}}}

[dara1012]

I would have coffee (or drinks depending on your relationship) with her and talk about what she hopes for from your relationship and what you can realistically do. Let her know that during the day you can't talk at work and what times work well during the evening.

My parents established a "Sunday night check-in" call when my brothers and I were in college. We still do this as adults and most often we don't call in-between. All of us are busy (including my parents) so this works. Maybe you could establish a time that works for calling and chatting for both of you. Other communication we do via email as a family (like logistics for visits, FYIs, etc). Of course if I have a horrible day, my mom or dad is always available to talk. I don't have this level of relationship with my mother-in-law but know that if I needed her she would be there.

In terms of discussing having a baby.....DH and I tried for almost a year before we told anyone. The only reason why we told our parents that we were trying was b/c they kept bugging us about when we were going to have kids. We unfortunately struggled with infertility and it was emotionally difficult to endure the questions about when we would have kids. I would suggest that trying to have kids not be a topic of conversation with your in-laws or family and agree that waiting until after the 1st trimester is preferable in most circumstances.

IMO an honest, caring conversation is the best way to go so you don't feel resentful and she doesn't feel shut-out.

[bumblebee23]

Good point AuntSue!

I would just let her know that you aren't ignoring her but you have things going on such as work and the evening routine with the kids and you need DH time and you can't always talk. Tell her how much you love everyone in the family and are happy to be a part of it but life is busy and you can't always take the time to talk to her.

[laurac]

Yikes. My Mother-in-law was a travel agent for guilt trips.
But I miss her every day..

[doeeyedgirl]

Thanks for all the advice and support, ladies. I know eventually it will need to come down to some sort of discussion and I just would rather it be sooner than later. I hate confrontation and these all sound like great ways to have this talk with her. I don't want our relationship to turn sour and I certainly don't want it to intensify after we have a baby.

[nevaehsmom327]

I know how you feel. That's how DHs mom was with me. After a while of not being able to answer, and having kids screaming in the background, i think she just got the point that we're busy. we have lives. i can't be on the phone with her 24/7. although, if it is that bad it's probably best to just talk to her about it because i too, hate confrontation, so i just did whatever i could to avoid her instead of telling her "hey, i'm i just can't talk to you that much"

[doeeyedgirl]

The funny part is, and this is what leads me to think I need to have a conversation with her....she is completely oblivious! She always makes comments like, "Aren't you glad you don't have a meddling mother-in-law". Sometimes I struggle not to laugh at that comment!

[laurac]

And then you say, I don't??

[supermommy]

Oh dear! She is that oblivious? Wow....yeah you need to have the talk! You could pick a check in day or maybe if ya want to could have a get together every week where you can talk her brains out at dinner and she will have nothing left to call for!

[ReneeW]

You've gotten some great advice on here ... and I'll agree with it, gotta set some boundaries, while letting her know how much you appreciate her. But sooner is always better than later!! Hang in there, and if you're gentle and sensitive in delivering the news, hopefully it will sink in. Good luck!

[doeeyedgirl]

Well...looks like I am on my own on this one. I spoke to DH about this and he says I just need to "grin and bear it". That she is family and he doesn't want to make her sad. Then he said that if I relentlessly push this matter, it may not turn out well. UGH...why do I feel like I am the only one who sees how frustrating this is.

[cakemakermom]

Mine tends to call at the most inappropriate times like when we're shoving food in our face or when we're putting the kids to bed. I'm glad for caller id, I make the husband pick up to his mom. He's had to tell her what times she can't call, although I think those times stuck in her head so those are the times she calls...

[doeeyedgirl]

Bump for the update.

[laurac]

Yikes! How stressful! You don't need that. It makes you not want to go home, answer your phone, anything. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that. I can just imagine the knot in your stomach. And now you get to spend time with her this weekend. Oh joy.

{{Hugs}} to you, Cyndy.