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Post by doeeyedgirl on Oct 2, 2012 7:39:07 GMT -6
Thanks, LC. I was just sick to my stomach yesterday over this. More so because I know I can't fix this and make it better for DH. He feels so stuck in the middle, but like I told him, I am not the one placing him there. I didn't have any problem with her until she started slandering me to him. The sad part is that if she is saying these things to DH, then she is saying them to the rest of the family. So not only do I have to face her next weekend, but I get to feel completely and utterly uncomforatable around his entire family. I'm dreading this event now more than ever.
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Post by laurac on Oct 2, 2012 7:44:26 GMT -6
Well, and if you don't go then you're even more the bad person. I love that your DH is sticking up for you, tho. She needs to keep her nose out of your business. She thrives on this!
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Post by cakemakermom on Oct 2, 2012 8:24:02 GMT -6
Do you have the ability to meet with a counselor together? Perhaps talking with an impartial third person will help the two of you see each other's points without arguing. Sometimes it just takes that outside point of view to meet in the middle.
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Post by doeeyedgirl on Oct 2, 2012 9:22:58 GMT -6
If we were to have a neutral third party, it may help. DH wants the two of us to sit down with her and discuss this, but she refuses. As far as an actual counselor goes, she can put on a very good front. Plus, we don't have the money for something like that at the moment.
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Post by cakemakermom on Oct 2, 2012 9:33:48 GMT -6
Would a church be able to help with some counseling for free?
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Post by dara1012 on Oct 2, 2012 10:48:46 GMT -6
I was going to suggest a counselor too, this is going too far with your MIL, you need an impartial 3rd person. If you cannot find a counselor through your church, I feel you at least need to have a conversation with her, DH and yourself.
You need to establish boundaries and expectations. You probably won't change her behavior (esp the gossiping) but at least you can know that you have done your best.
As long as your husband stands up for you and stands by you, try your best to let it roll. You cannot control her behavior you can only control your response. Take deep breaths and try (as hard as it is) to move on. Remember to focus on how much you love DH and not on how much you are stressed by his MIL.
I would guess that in most marriages you need to make compromises around the holidays. That is one of the things DH and I used to fight about the most, it has gotten better in the past few years as we both have learned to let go of our selfish desire to be with "our" family on the holiday. Now we strive to rotate and our families know that. His mom has gotten upset before, but we try to see each set of parents for a celebration sometime in Dec or Jan, we might not see extended family, but I am not willing to drive 3-4 hrs each way to more than one family.
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Post by ReneeW on Oct 2, 2012 15:33:39 GMT -6
I don't attend Wayzata Free Church (just north of Wayzata in Plymouth), but I know that they DO offer free marriage counseling. They would be a great resource for you two as you try to deal with DH's mom, I think they'd give you some really good tools and advice. If you live somewhere else I would check with local churches to see if any of them offer free counseling services.
Personally I think this is MAJORLY on your DH. Not to beat up on him, but HE made the colossal mistake of telling her that you hit a rough patch and now HE is the one who needs to step up and really, really, REALLY get on his mom's case about how strong your marriage is, how committed the two of you are, etc., and he needs to really lay down the law about her NOT slandering you to him and other family members. If she does, he needs to follow through with some "I sadly will not be spending as much time with you" consequences. It's tough but I don't know what else can be done. And then when she IS nice (like with a toddler) she gets positive reinforcement.
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Post by sarahisis on Oct 3, 2012 12:22:54 GMT -6
It might sound silly but could you write her a letter? Pour your heart out and tell her how much its eating you and your dh up inside? She seems to hate confrontation. Maybe feeling embarrassed even, so maybe this would be easier for both parties. and if you ever need an escape...or someone to meet you somewhere to talk... I'm here for ya!!
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Post by doeeyedgirl on Oct 10, 2012 7:01:07 GMT -6
Well, as of last night, things are not going well. It seems that DH can't make a decision and stick to it. Once again he seems to want to placate everyone and it is getting us nowhere. I thought we had this all handled. We had agreed on everything and how to handle things. He said he was going to give his mother an ultimatum and put things in place. It never happened. Now, as of last night, I am the bad guy again. I am letting my big ego get in the way....I don't love him or care about him because I won't 'fix' this...I am a bad person because he would be by my side and I don't feel comfortable attending these upcoming events (the booya is this weekend) What am I supposed to fix? I didn't break anything. I didn't do anything wrong. How is the innocent party in this the one to blame? I told him that he needs to be telling these things to his mother. The only way to 'fix' this is that she needs to apologize to me AND the people that she has involved in this by running her mouth about me. I don't think I am going to get that and I don't think that I am comfortable every allowing her back in my life again if I don't. I am so lost in life right now and I don't know what to do. DH won't go to counseling. I'm afraid if I write a letter that she will print it off and show it to everyone that wants to read it to try to depict me in a bad way still. (She has been known to do this before). I'm tired. I'm so tired of this being a circular issue. I'm tired of DH not being an adult and making a decision of his own and sticking to it. I'm tired of being such a negative person about things...that's really not who I am. Really. I guess at this point I am just looking for prayers from you wonderful ladies that God will lead me into the right decision at the right time. After all, it is about making the best decision for me and my boys.
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Post by smalltowngirl5 on Oct 10, 2012 7:21:05 GMT -6
First off, I'm sorry you are having to go through such a stressful situation. My suggestion is to just keep talking to your DH, not talking down to him or being negative about his family but talking about the situation. If you must go the family gatherings is it possible to make sure you are not alone with her in conversations where she can turn things around on you?
These are just suggestions, that have worked for me, as we are going through a similar situation in our house and have for years. DH will not stand up to his mother and I have just learned to accept that, even though it is extremely frustrating to me but I have decided it is not worth the heartache to get worked up over something I cannot change. I know that he loves me and our family and that helps me get through these tough situations with his family.
Hang in there.
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Post by laurac on Oct 10, 2012 7:33:28 GMT -6
Oh Cyndy, I had so hoped that this had been resolved. {warmest of hugs}
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Post by doeeyedgirl on Oct 10, 2012 8:07:11 GMT -6
Thanks smalltowngirl5. I never talk down to my husband, but I also am probably not very friendly back when he tries to pin this on me. At this point (due to high anxiety problems as it is) I refuse to attend any family get togethers until this is resolved, as his whole family has been involved in this thanks to her. At this point, I am unsure if this is something that I will learn to accept. I know that sounds harsh, but these issues cause too much stress, anxiety and drama in our lives and I have a very low tolerance for that. Life is so short. Thanks, LC. Definitely needed.
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Post by ReneeW on Oct 10, 2012 8:17:01 GMT -6
If your DH won't go to counseling, I think you should go alone. There are some churches that have free counseling services, so you could call around and ask. I know that Wayzata Free Church in Plymouth, for example, has free counseling services (sorry I don't know where you live). A counselor might have good conflict resolution tools/ideas that you could use when dealing with this. And sorry that you're dealing with this. It's one thing to be loyal to a parent. It's another to be hurting your family because you're being a doormat regarding said parent. (Sigh.) Hang in there!
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Post by bumblebee23 on Oct 10, 2012 8:26:37 GMT -6
I understand where you are coming from. My MIL decided to pick a huge fight with me out of no where. Said horrible things not only to me but to my husband and everyone else in her family. It was like she was trying to get them all to hate me. Not only was she saying awful things but she was twisting the truth about sooooo many things. It just came from nowhere I had never done anything to deserve the treatment she was giving me and I was shocked. I tryed to call her but she would just yell at me say more nasty things then hang up on me so I did write a letter, a very long letter in a fit of rage and I do remember writing one thing in there I regret writing. The rest of it was true and needed to be said. I figured if she wasn't going to talk to me she was going to listen to me one way or another.
Like I mentioned she was bad mouthing me to DH as well trying to get him to side with her but it backfired on her and he got really pissed and chewed her out. We really haven't spoken to her in over 6 years now. She wouldn't show up to birthday parties or holidays if she knew we were going to be there until DH went down and yelled at her for missing her grandchilds bday party because she was acting like a child. She still doesn't talk to us though and things in the room are uncomfortable. We have gotten into a few minor blowouts since then but really have had very little to no contact with her or his sister as she was also involved in the arguement.
I tryed to explain to her that even though she was verbally attacking me the only person she was truely hurting here was DH but that turned out to be my fault too and if I truely loved him I would have done this and this and this. My mil doesn't have a relationship with DH's brother or wife either and a few months she told him (after certain events happened) that she doesn't have a relationship with his wife because she doesn't want things to turn out like they did with me. So funny how that is my fault too!
I really don't have any advice for you. Things went really bad really fast with my mil. I have tried to talk to her reasonably, tried to reach her "mother" side, I tried to be the bigger person but some people just can't be dealt with. I hope your situtation doesn't turn into mine. I do think that at one point your husband is going to have to step up and tell your mother to stop bad mouthing you and chill out. He needs to be on your side or she won't stop. I do also think you should try and talk to her but don't do it when your angry. Writing a letter could be a good idea....at least you are trying. If she does do what you think she will do then at least you did what you could. You can't control her actions or reactions. Good luck!
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Post by doeeyedgirl on Oct 10, 2012 8:35:28 GMT -6
Sounds like we are in very similar situations, Mo. Unfortunately, DH doesn't side with me on this, at least not anymore. That is what concerns me most. This will never be resolved if he doesn't decide what he wants as a result out of all of this, and I have tried to explain that to him. I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with this, too. It is never an easy thing, that's for sure. Maybe I will try writing a letter. At this point, I really don't know what to say anymore. I guess I don't feel that it is necessary to call her out on everything she has done, but I do want an apology, an apology to the family for what she has created and for her to butt out. Hmmm...guess I have the start to my letter.
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