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Post by kristin8888 on Jul 24, 2012 16:29:55 GMT -6
We have 2 white boards in the garage. On those boards is a huge list of 'projects' we want to get done this summer. Some of it is things like take out recycling, mow the lawn and other stuff is putting up shelves or whatever else needs to be done. As long as there is a list going, things get done around here. If DH doesn't have a list, he does nothing. Our situation is a little different since I do daycare at home, I do pretty much everything inside the house as far as cleaning goes. DH is expected to at least rinse out his dishes and throw his dirty laundry down the shoot and then the list is also his to work on when he can. So I really think the list idea will help you out big time. Also another little bit of info, my DH is bipolar, he goes through times where he does absolutely nothing but work and sleep. I get very upset with him and end up nagging a lot but then there are times like now, where he gets 2-3 things crossed off his list per day. It's hard to find balance with him sometimes, but we make it work sorry I kinda rambled a lot, hope some of it helps you
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Post by dara1012 on Jul 24, 2012 22:20:00 GMT -6
So sorry you are going through this, but know that you are definitely not alone. At our house there is a piece of trim above our entry door to the garage that hasn't been fixed in 5 years (though DH promises to do it) and a light fixture waiting to be installed for the last 6 months.....you are in good company and it is so hard when you feel overburdened and see your partner not even doing minimal work.
The trim and new light fixture aside DH is much better when I make a list of what needs to get accomplished in a weekend and we divide it up. I still end up with more, but he is at least doing something substantial. We also try to set aside time for "bigger projects" and if possible have DS go to his grandparents so DH and I can tackle the issue together and then have a date night. Having plans for fun together motivates us to do the not so fun tasks of cleaning the entire garage or dealing with more than regular maintenance. I have also started using PTO at work to get caught up at home. It helps me feel better, I can do things when DS is at preschool so I don't feel like I am giving up family time for housecleaning and I am less crabby when things aren't a mess.
I would suggest 2 things to help your relationship going forward that have worked for me and/or other couples. The first one is for each of you to do StrengthsFinder quiz and read about your strengths and your partner's strengths. You can buy the books on amazon for about $13/each. You need to buy new b/c each book has an online code that can only be used once. I have done this for work and school and found that it really helps me to not only understand how I function and contribute to a team or partnership but how others function too. It helped reduce conflict b/wn me and a board member of a volunteer group when I was president. Knowing my strength's and DH's strengths helped us to see each other in a positive light and to figure out how we are each motivated and de-motivated. We learned how to work together better. The other that some friends have liked is the "5 Love Languages" it helps you to understand your love language and your partner's love language so you can communicate better.
Good luck and hang in there!
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Post by laurac on Jul 25, 2012 8:34:31 GMT -6
The sad thing is, is what you see as important and what he sees as important are usually 2 different things. And since he's a man, he hasn't mastered the art of mind reading yet. You feel because it's important to you it should be important to him when it's just not. Maybe next time ask him if he wants to join you and A in an outing. Or plan one that you think he might like too. Nothing hurts worse than when you ask them to join you and they say no. I know. When you make that list, put them in order of importance. I think the fan/light might be pretty important right now. It's hot out! If you give him the time to do it and it doesn't get done then call dear old Dad. Most Dads will work for food!
Good luck, hon.
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Post by merrr on Jul 25, 2012 8:52:14 GMT -6
All the other issues aside - Is this enough to make or break your relationship? DH and I were in a similiar situation as you are now. There was a point in time where I thought our marriage was over. I can't say what changed but I can say that it got really ugly for awhile and then it was better. DH still doesn't do much around the house - I still run the home. Somedays I get pissed that he's sitting down while I clean everything but most days I let that frustration go because it's not productive for either of us.
Do not treat him like a child. He is a grown ass man. Giving him a list of chores with dates to have them done by will make him feel like a child and will not get you the results you want. Telling him though that if he can't get it done by a date then you will hire someone (or call Dad) to take care of it will work.
Bottom line is that you have to pick your battles. Like it or not, this is the man you choose to start a family with... the good, the bad, the ugly. Do what you can and let go of the frustration of the rest of it.
P.S. I completely respect that you came here for this instead of your family or friends! You never want to trash your SO/DH to family or friends because that will damage the relationship they have with him. *HUGS*
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Post by apryllraye87 on Jul 25, 2012 18:35:43 GMT -6
I gave him a list and told him that he needs to complete two things a week.. if he doesn't that means I'll pay my stepdad to do it and then we won't have money for fishing, softball, etc. I told him that I will try my hardest to stop nagging and bugging him but that means he needs to stick to it.. He agreed to it so lets hope it will last. Part of me wants to think "don't hold your breath" but I realize that I need to be positive and give him the benefit of the doubt. I do think that sometimes he feels overwhelmed so maybe having the list written out and being able to cross off things as he does them will make him feel more accomplished. Summer semester is also done for us at the end of this week so that will free up more time during the week. I told him if he can stick to the list and complete two things a week then he can pick any night during the week to either play softball, go to happy hour, or hangout with his friends and I won't say a thing about it. @mer: I completely agree that I don't want to ruin their relationship with him. That's why I love having you ladies here, I can still vent without feeling guilty! Wish us luck that this will work!
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Post by dara1012 on Jul 25, 2012 19:06:12 GMT -6
Best wishes Apryll!
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Post by ariels1620 on Jul 27, 2012 7:37:01 GMT -6
Aw Sweetie I am so sorry you guys are having these issues. My advice to you is that you and he need to sit down and have a SERIOUS Chat. I have been down that road with Nate not doing as much as I feel he should be doing and there have also been periods where it was vice versa. But we always sat down and talked about it. I find that public places are better when you need to have a serious chat but dont want to it to end up in a fight. In public you have a sense that you need to behave and not fight so it helps both people get out what they need to get out in a calmer way. I dont think breaking up over this is what you want or what he wants. sounds like you are really fed up which is totally understandable. I just feel that when you have been with somone for so long and love them and have kids with them that you do everything to save the relationship. Sometimes it helps for me to tell myself we have been together so long we have a common law marriage. you fight for a marriage, you fix it, you feed it, you honor it. Maybe that mindset will help you guys fix what is wrong and give him a small kick in the behind to get him moving. Good Luck Gorgeous!! HUGS
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Post by ReneeW on Jul 27, 2012 9:50:50 GMT -6
I was going to add real quick--when your DH does anything, really praise him and give him a smooch and tell him how much you appreciate it and respect his hard work. I once read that women want love, men want respect. (Despite Aretha Franklin's song, hah!) So -- make sure you say something about, "I really appreciate it SO, SO much and respect you."
The other thing is -- after he does something big, maybe even stick a little note in his lunch or pocket or wallet or something so he'll find a little love note -- another reinforcement.
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Post by sarahisis on Jul 27, 2012 9:59:26 GMT -6
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Post by stacyl on Jul 28, 2012 10:20:27 GMT -6
My DH works 6 days a week, and I know he's tired. There are just some things that I can't do. But there are a lot of things I can do. I know you said you both work FT and go to school. On top of caring for a LO. I work VERY pt. So I feel as most things are MY responsibility. What I do when something needs to be done, that I can't do, I, call in someone else. (not someone that costs money, just a friend or my FIL.) Then DH kind of see that it's a priority. But I think you and BF need to have a serious talk. Lay out what you just said to us. I hope you guys get things figured out. We're here anytime!!
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