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Post by apryllraye87 on Jul 24, 2012 8:10:18 GMT -6
Hi ladies- I know I haven't posted in a while, I've had a lot going on lately. I usually try to keep my personal life to myself but I just need to get my thoughts out and my friends suck at listening.. plus I don't want all of my friends and family to know that I'm having problems (yes, I know I'm too proud). Mike and I have been together for 6 years now. So we started dating right after I finished high school and I was still immature. I've always been a fairly responsible person (minus getting pregnant at 18, but that turned out amazing so I can't complain ). I'm highly motivated and constantly busy between being a workaholic, college student & mom. One constant fight that Mike and I have always had is that he is THE biggest procrastinator I have ever met in my life. He doesn't take care of things and will put things off for months and months, sometimes even costing us money (not paying bills on time, not picking up his tabs for his car when he should, not returning movies when they're due, etc). He also puts off fixing things around our house. Our dining room fan has been broken for months, which means we have no light and no fan in there. The new fan is sitting in a box on the floor in the dining room but who knows how long until it's actually put up. Our dishwasher has been broken for almost a year, our stove just broke and I'm sure won't be fixed anytime soon, there is a shelf hanging on our wall that is barely hanging on and about to fall off, the trim in our bedroom hasn't been put up yet (we painted our room over 2 years ago). I understand that he works and is tired when he gets home but so am I. I do 95% of the cleaning, I take care of all of our finances, registering Aiden for school, signing us up for medical & dental, etc. He doesn't care that the dishwasher is broken because he doesn't do the dishes, ever. Once in awhile when he gets home on Friday he will "straighten up" before I get home. He complains that he doesn't have motivation to fix stuff when he gets home from work yet he has motivation to go fishing, play softball & hangout with his friends. I finally got so fed up this past weekend that I told him he needed to stay at his dads house because I need a break. He complains that I nag him all the time (which I do, because I'm so frustrated). It's hard for me to watch him sit there and do nothing when my house is falling apart and I'm working so hard at everything else. It's just plain selfish on his part! Anyway- we fought all last week and have barely talked since last Thursday. Aiden is up at the lake with my mom so I'm home alone and today is the first day I felt really sad when I woke up. I don't want to live without him but I don't want to live like this anymore either. I know I can't make someone change so I don't know what else to do. Do I just keep living like this and accept the fact that this is it how it will always be because I don't want to be without him? Or do I suffer through the heartbreak of leaving him because I want to be with someone who is motivated like I am? Which is more fair to Aiden? I know that ultimately the decision has to be up to me but some sort of insightful words from you wonderful ladies would be much appreciated.
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Post by nevaehsmom327 on Jul 24, 2012 8:39:04 GMT -6
Oh Apryll, I so know how you feel with this one. When DH and I first met, we were both head over heels for each other. And we just couldn't be apart, we talked constantly and I knew he was the guy I'd marry. There was at one point though in our relationship where he told me that his previous "fling" was pregnant. Because of some medical conditions that carry through his family, he just wasn't prepared to take on that responsibility. It not only broke my heart that he didn't want anything to do with the kid, but that she would grow up without a father. This literally was a breaking point for me, and where I broke up with him. We remained best of friends, and still talked through things and what not. A few months later though, he came to his senses and realized that the situation isn't going to change. The child will always be a part of his life, and so he stepped up and has been TREMENDOUS in her life so far. There were a lot of other things that happened in that time, but most relating to your situation, this is what was the big part of our relationship that brought us back together. I guess what I'm saying is my bottom line was that I would not be involved with someone who would just abandon their kid because of some medical crap their family has...you take that responsibility regardless. And I feel like the same should be for you, you shouldn't abandon your family regardless of how tired/unmotivated you are. You make time to get things fixed, to take care of your family. I can't say that your SO will do the same as mine and get his sh!t straight right away and come back, but sometimes it takes losing what you have to realize that the little things don't matter. Fix the dishwasher, fix the fan, fix the stove and spend time loving your family. If you were to kick him out or whatever, you leave, however that would work for you guys, and HE doesn't realize that, then you're better off without him anyway. I do feel your pain with the procrastination thing. I have TWO guys living in my house who still have yet to install a sink and toilet in my basement. It's been over 9 months!! Luckily it's not the only one we have, so it's not a huge deal, but I feel like I'm constantly nagging too. And woman, don't you know that you can ALWAYS come to us!!! We're here to help and SUPPORT you missy! if you ever just wanna get the kids together and hang, let me know! Best of luck for you dear. I'm sure this is very hard for you.
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Post by ReneeW on Jul 24, 2012 8:43:05 GMT -6
First of all, big (HUG) to you because this sounds frustrating and tough and sad for you. Second of all, I think that marriage counseling would be immensely helpful--some churches have it for FREE. One is Wayzata Free Church in Plymouth--I don't know where you live, but I would look at churches in your area and see what might be out there. If your DH won't go, then go alone. I think that would be a huge long-term benefit for your marriage.
Next is -- could you show him this post? And let him know what's in your heart? I mean--you want your marriage to work, but you need more support. If he has energy for softball and going out with the guys, then he has enough energy to help you with household tasks that are necessary. My other idea is to make a deal with him. You'll ask him one time to do something, and if you ask again or nag, then you owe him $10. BUT if he doesn't do something after a certain amount of time (say, one week) then he owes you $10. A second week, $20, a third week $30 (and another nag is the same). Hopefully that would take out the issues of you nagging him not doing the tasks.
My other idea is that if you ask him to do something, if he doesn't after a certain amount of time, the money needs to come out of HIS "fun money" to pay for a professional to do it. Like, if he doesn't take care of X project in two weeks, you're going to hire someone and it has to come out of his money, so he won't have beer money or softball fees or money for gas for the fishing boat or what not.
These are my only ideas for now -- but I think that your problems sound "fixable." That is, IF you want to fix them. I know that you get to a point where it feels like the point of no return and you're just DONE. So ... you'll have to listen to what's in your heart, but know that if you are both committed to working on your marriage it can be salvaged.
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Post by deannemdm on Jul 24, 2012 8:45:49 GMT -6
I have a few ideas.... And I completely feel for you-- my situation is a little different, but I can relate to a degree. Lack of or low motivation could be relate to some depressive symptoms--maybe adjust diet or add viatamin D and/or fish oil to his diet (if he agrees) Try hiding his sports equipment---until he does some of his share Find a way to reward him (excessive praise or other ways) for when he does help out.
and remember-- you can not change another person-- only your reactions are under your control so manage what you can and let other stuff go for your own sanity.
My guess is that you have tried sitting down with him and having a serious talk--but maybe it is time for another one If he cannot pay bills, etc on time.. maybe have you take over that stuff-- he gives you his money or acess to it?
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Post by angel22 on Jul 24, 2012 8:46:36 GMT -6
That is a really tough place- something I've witnessed and experienced first hand. The way I look at it is this- you don't want to live without him and you can't change him if he doesn't want to change so you either: A) pick up the slack he leaves and figure out how to fix everything yourself. (I know, it is NOT fair to you!) B) hire someone to come in and fix everything (it'll probably make him feel like crap, perhaps leading to a change, or a fight, but either way your house will be fixed!) It isn't fair to you and Aiden to have to live in a "broken house" but there is no reason that you can't figure out how to get things done without his help. He will learn VERY quickly that you will take care of the problem if he won't. I completely understand that this is all easier said than done, but these things are causing major issues for you two and he needs to see that you are serious. Best of luck in whatever you choose to do, though! (((HUGS))) to you!
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Post by sarahisis on Jul 24, 2012 9:13:26 GMT -6
I have had some of these issues in teh past... but my dh has realized over time that there are things that he should be responsible for...
If you really want to give him another chance in getting things done, make a list of everything that needs to be done, prioritize them and write a date next to the first few on when you'd like and expect them to be done... let him know that if he chooses not to help you get these done then you will have to find someone else or hire someone to do it, which will take money away from something else.
list out all of the things you do and are responsible for, and then list out all of the things he is responsible for, and show it to him. It's not fair to you be be responsible for so much.
worse comes to worse.... would you be willing to give him an ulitmatum?
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Post by supermommy on Jul 24, 2012 9:43:58 GMT -6
I don't think you expect too much. Your man is like mine...selfish. Ugh. I agree with the other ladies, make lists tell him what you expect and by when and if he can't then a professional needs to come and do it out of his paycheck. There were so many times where I thought I needed to leave Dh because he has no motivation, no drive...no nothing really except a desire to play video games. It has gotten slightly better but the thought is always there in the back of my mind....lingering. I can't support myself without Dh so that pretty much puts my thoughts away quickly.
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Post by apryllraye87 on Jul 24, 2012 10:12:34 GMT -6
Thanks for all the responses ladies.. I knew there was a reason I came to you!
Our money is together, we only have one joint checking account and I do take care of all the finances now (which is fine with me, I like doing it).
I like the idea of prioritizing a list and putting dates next to it. I don't think having him give me money, or me give him money would really do much since all of the money is "our" money anyway.
Some of the things around the house I could do myself (painting the shed, pulling the weeds, etc) but like Angel said I don't feel that is fair to me.. especially when I already do so much more work than he does. I know it isn't a competition but I want an equal partner, not another child to clean up after! I've told him before even if it was 60/40 I'd be okay with that but literally right now I feel like everything is 90/10. He supports financially and lately I feel that is all he does. Oh, and when the lawn gets really really long he'll mow it. Over the years there have been times when he gets really motivated and does a lot of things but then every so often he gets like this where he does absolutely nothing and it drives me crazy. I grew up in a spotless house and his house was not-so-neat growing up. I can't stand sitting down to relax when there are dishes in the sink or laundry that needs to be done, and he doesn't care at all. I know I need to lighten up on some things but I can't live in a pig pen house that is falling apart. It's embarrassing for me to even have company over. We're talking about buying a new house within the next 1-2 years but why would I want to when I know as soon as something breaks it will never be fixed?
I also like the idea of paying someone else to fix things. My step dad is handy so I could certainly pay him to fix the things that need to be done. I would hope it would make Mike feel crappy but then on the other hand I'm worried he won't care at all and it will just give him more of an excuse to be lazy!
I could support myself financially without him but I would have to give up a lot.. I wouldn't have any extra money for fun stuff and I would have to cut back on everything. We have a lot of things that Aiden and I like to do on my days off (bunker beach, go to movies, dinner out once a week, trips to Duluth) and we wouldn't be able to do any of those things anymore. There are pros and cons to staying and leaving. I don't know that I'm ready to walk-away (I still love him with all my heart) but I do know that I won't live like this forever so either something changes or I'll just have to make sacrifices.
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Post by cissy on Jul 24, 2012 10:29:36 GMT -6
If I had an answer to make it easier I would give it to you. My husband doesn't do too much, he might do the dishes if I am gone or if I almost beg him becuase I have to do something else and I do not have the time but he does not do them daily and it isn't easy to get him to do them. He will mow once a week, its his lawn mower and I am not allowed to touch it so that is an easy fight. He also clears the snow becuase he has a plow on his lawn mower, if it is really bad I MIGHT help with the snow blower but, I usually just make him do that I know if I need him to do something, say the dishes last Sunday morning, I told him I would cook breakfast while it happens or he isn't getting breakfast. So I guess I bribe him to do stuff. Our relationship isn't great but it works. His friend was over the other day and he was saying that for his marriage it is easier to stay with it and keep the kids together rather then shuffling the kids around.
So I bribe my husband or I leave the house and wait till he leaves for the weekend to clean. He doesnt' help much but it is easier for me to just do it then to always have it a mess.
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Post by nevaehsmom327 on Jul 24, 2012 10:40:08 GMT -6
After I posted I realized it kind of made it seem like I'm saying "deal with it or leave"....which is not at all what I intended. I think some of these ladies posted great ideas on trying to get him to help out a bit around the house. At some point though, I do think its an important thing to bring up to him and let him know it's putting a major strain on you. You're only one person, and can only do so much...again, it's about supporting the family...not just yourself. Or you can just do what I did, get pregnant and come home crying every night, they seem to react to that
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Post by apryllraye87 on Jul 24, 2012 11:36:31 GMT -6
Oh Amy, I think adding hormones into my frustration (plus remove being able to smoke or have a drink) would be a recipe for disaster! I can see it now, and it isn't pretty! Lol!
I'm going to try the list with the dates and basically just say IF you want to try and make this work then this is the deal.. If you don't want to put forth the effort that is fine but then you can be selfish on your own. I'm not sure how well I'll be able to stick with it, I guess we'll just have to see what happens. Hopefully he'll shape up and I won't have to worry about it!
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Post by sarahisis on Jul 24, 2012 11:57:42 GMT -6
i think that's a great way to start.... also, just like dealing with a child, when he does it on time, w/o complaining or having to be reminded praise him like crazy and let him know that it helps you out so much and that you really appreciate it when he wants to help you that way..
my dh thrives off of compliments... and maybe once they start to flow, it'll be easier!
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Post by cakemakermom on Jul 24, 2012 12:11:51 GMT -6
Honestly, I find the more a man is nagged, the less he wants to do a thing. I agree with hiring someone to do some of the things that really need to be done, but it comes down to picking your battles. I find passive aggressiveness works better than telling him daily that things need to be done.
I agree with sarahisis, when he finally gets around to doing things you wanted done, give him added attention for having done it and you'll find that more stuff gets done, but be sure you're not using a condecending voice, like telling him- It's about time you did that, tell him more like, Thank you for doing that for me, it allows me to get other stuff done.
I don't agree with dating "the list" because that might make him feel like you're nagging again...
But those are things that have helped my relationship and may not work for yours.
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Post by bumblebee23 on Jul 24, 2012 12:14:35 GMT -6
I have to wonder if he is depressed about something. Vitamin D deficiency can make a person feel incredibly lazy (trust me I know). Also I wonder if there is something else going on with him. My DH used to pick stupid fights with me or not do certain things because he was worried or upset about something but not telling me about it.
I do think you have to sit him down and have a serious conversation with him though. Be completely honest about how you feel and try to find out why he has no motivation. I understand you love him but it sounds like you are seriously starting to resent him and that doesn't sound like it could be anything good. When you have your days off and you and Aiden go to bunker beach, movies and what have you do you ever do any of that with DH too? Maybe that's what he is upset about.
My DH works anywhere from 40 to 80hrs a week. Not to mention that he occasionally fixes cars on the side. He tends to not help with cleaning or fixing things alot in the summer. Being that he is a seasonal employee though he helps out more in the winter months. However, this past year he really didn't do much of anything and I would get really pissed about it. He would always get annoyed when I asked him to fix something and I finally figured out that it was just because he was overworked and stressed and I was adding to his list. In the winter though I did write him out a hunny do list of things I have been needing/wanting him to do. It actually worked and one day while I was at work he did a majority of the things on the list.
I think your best bet is to have a serious talk with him and just let him know that this is seriously effecting your relationship and you feel like you are on your own and don't have a partner. I bet it helps. (((HUGS)))
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Post by apryllraye87 on Jul 24, 2012 15:29:21 GMT -6
Lol @ Vic, I've also heard every many will wait to the last minute BUT my step-dad is motivated like I am and he takes care of things A.S.A.P. Which is why he has time to help me hehe. I did decide to leave the dates off the list BUT I added the stipulation that two of items have to be completed per week until they are all done. Other people have mentioned that he may be depressed as well, which I would completely understand as I have suffered from depression since I was in 8th grade. HOWEVER, if he doesn't have motivation to fix things because he is depressed he also wouldn't have motivation to go fishing, or go hang out with his friends, or go play softball. When I was depressed I never wanted to do those things.. I definitely need to be better about complimenting him when he does fix things. He did a few small things last weekend (which wasn't nearly enough, in my opinion) but instead of saying "thanks for fixing those" I just complained that he should have done more. It will take some tongue biting but I think I can do it! @mo- When Aiden and I starting doing those things Mike didn't come with because he didn't "want" to. I don't want to force him to come along and have him be crabby and ruin our time so I just don't ask him to come with anymore. If he sees us getting ready to leave and wants to come he can. I would completely understand if he was working all those hours and exhausted but I work just as many (if not more) hours than he does and we are both in school.. so I basically feel that if I can do it, he should be able to do it too. My expectations may be too high sometimes, but I definitely feel he can do more than he does. He has A LOT of "me" time to relax.
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