Is your DH an active father?

[ilovemybooboo]

I know I have a great DH and he's a great father even though I don't tell him as often as I should, but some of his parenting drives me crazy! I just want to know if he's "normal" as a father. He does play with our DD, but a lot of the time he just wants to lay on the couch, watch tv, play on his phone, read the paper, etc. He feels that since he works "so hard" at his job (which right now he's on nights working 10 hr shifts so on his off days he is trying to transition his sleep schedule) that he should be able to relax. I've realized since I quit my job that I "should" do most of the house stuff and take care of our daughter - but I ASSUME that he'd want to come home and really spend time with her. This has brought up the discussion that I say why should we have another child if he doesn't want to play with or teach the one he has now! Our lives are stressed right now because I am not working and he feels that I don't think he's a good parent but that "I have it made because he's the best father he knows." Sorry for the venting but this brought up a heated discussion this morning so it's weighing on my mind! And I feel that since I've been home full-time that I need to point out everything I've done during the day to him to prove that I'm not just sitting around on the couch while watching our DD but actually taking care of EVERYTHING around the house...but really I did most of this stuff too while I was working but now there's just extra meals, laundry, and grocery shopping. Ugh. And don't even get me started on the other issue of sex. I think we need to start scheduling that and maybe that will decrease our stress a bit!

[onlyoneboy]

In our house DH mostly takes care of the kids after he gets home till after supper so I can make supper, then we switch rolls and he cleans up while I play with the kids. DS1 goes to bed at 7 so there really isn't much time to play.

Once school starts I will do the homework with DS1 while DH takes care of DS2. DH gets too fustrated helping with homework.

On the weekends we take turns. It seems one of us has to entertain the kids so the other can get something done. Alot depends on what DS1 wants to do. Either bike riding, bowling, playing in the water outside. DS1 is very independent so alot of the time he just wants to play on his own with his trains or trucks.

love - are you feeling like you just need a break from DD since you have been home with her all day? Have you told DH that. Maybe if he can even entertain her for an hour so you can have some quiet time that might help.

[ballerinamomma]

DH helps a lot. I'm a SAHM and he works full time. I do almost all of the cleaning, but he always offers to help clean. He loves to cook so we share in that duty. Usually once he gets home he takes about 15 min to rest and then he wants to play with DD. He loves changing her and playing with her. I breast feed so he can't always help with that (sometimes I pump so he can feed) but he does spend a ton of time with DD.

[healerarina]

Being a SAHM is hard work. Yes he is tired, but so are you. People think I have a ton of time because I stay at home, when in reality, I have one-two hours a day to devote to a variety of things. I can clean, run errands, shower, have some "me" time, or work on a project. The rest of my day is occupied with preparing meals for the kids, playing with the kids, or keeping the kids from hurting each other.

You could tell him he can have a little time when DD is sleeping or busy for time to himself. My DH plays with the kids when he gets home till their bedtime. In fact DD2 will cry if he doesn't give her attention right away, even if she was playing happily 2 secs before he came in.

You need a break just as bad, if not worse than he does.

[supermommy]

My Dh is the same way. He doesn't offer to help until I get mad and start doing it myself. He is always laying around on the couch with his ipod in hand. I thought he would be more helpful with me being pregnant but not so much. He doesn't play with the kids much either...a few minutes here and there and then it's back to the ipod. I do all of the cooking, laundry, cleaning, driving to and fro, worrying about bills-money, planning our lives etc etc etc.

[apryllraye87]

When SO and I were together we had a rule that the TV didn't get turned on until 7:30 (a half hour before DS went to bed). Then DS would get to watch one kid show and after he was in bed SO could watch TV. That gave us time together to eat dinner, play, bathtime, etc. But SO still got time to himself for an hour or two before bed.

I also work full-time so I know it is exhausting when you come home and you just want to sit and do nothing. But it is important to have quality time. We also reserved Sundays as 'family day' and would plan things to do together.

I was once told it's not the amount of the time you spend together, but the quality of the time. So as long as he makes the little time he has valuable time it should be fine.

[cakemakermom]

Have you discussed how his relationship with his daughter will be affected by the amount of time he spends with her? If he is just going to lump around, then what kind of a relationship will he have with her?

I get frustrated with my hubby for spending too much time painting his miniatures. But he does help out around the house if I ask him to and I have the ability to leave whenever I like when he's home to watch our kids. He will take them out to play in the park occasionally to play and do some painting with them so they have something to do together.

When it comes to our *ahem* relationship, I find we get more when all the bills are paid and we have extra in the bank. When he's stressed, nothing is going to happen and may not for months when we're tight on money.

[jlschlangen]

My dh is a good dad, but I feel at times he could do more. He doesn't always know what is going on w/ the kids. Recently he took a week off we took a staycation and he was going nuts w/ all their talking I was like welcome to my world.

[sarahisis]

yes.. my dh is a great dad! Very active in ds' life. I feel for him sometimes though because the minute he gets home from work, ds wants his full attention.... I see it as ds has missed him all day, and is sick of me and wants daddy time, and dh sees it as wanting 10 min. to himself first... which is understandable! When dh gets home from work he takes doggy2 out then goes upstairs to change his clothes... rarely can he sneak away to do that by himself, then it's daddy daddy daddy til ds goes to bed.
However, MWF are dh's days to go to the gym if he wants to after dinner... sometimes he does, sometimes he's too tired and would rather stay at home and play with ds.
I dn't cook every night, but on nights I do, sometimes he'll sudo clean up the kitchen, and sometimes he won't... but that's not usually an issue as he's probably entertaining ds anyhow.

I'm blessed that overall he is very active in parenting... I just wish he'd back me up more with rules and consequences! lol

[ladyandrearose]

My DH is very active with our DD. He gets her up and ready each day and off to daycare (next week, school!). He gets her to karate once or twice a week. He has been working on teaching her addition. He likes to take her fishing on occassion.

I appreciate his help and input with her. We work as a team, he supports my decisions and I support him. I am grateful for all the time and effort that he puts into her.

[ReneeW]

My DH works full time, I work part time (about 25 hours/week). We try to keep an even balance of house work, child care etc. (I take on more because I'm home more but he still helps clean etc.) -- and he is a very hands-on dad. I work every other Saturday and he's home with our two DDs. So that's good--they have one day together without me, which is good for them! My DDs are 7 and 4 and he and I have always had work shifts where he's had at least one day/week home while I'm working.

BUT I will add - many days, my DH does need about 10-15 minutes of alone time before the kids can attack him. He just needs to unwind. Sometimes I'll tell the kids, 'Hey, give Dad 10 minutes and then he can play.' (Thankfully they're old enough to "get" it.) The other thing I was going to say is -- maybe your DH is more of a "little kid" dad. Some dads have a hard time playing with babies and young toddlers who can't communicate yet, and so he may end up being more interactive as your DD gets older--not sure how old she is now. Or maybe he doesn't know WHAT to do with her and you could give him ideas.

Hang in there and keep communicating how much you appreciate how hard he works, but that you also need a break from parenting as well. You guys'll work it out!! And of course you can always vent here when you need to.

[angel22]

Nope, my DH isn't an active parent. Yes, we only see him on weekends now but even when we all lived together he wasn't very hands on. As it is now he'd rather "relax" and doesnt help out with the girls and rarely plays with them. Maybe when we move and all live together again and I have to go to work so he HAS to help with them... I'm not holding my breath though.

[quirky22]

Sometimes. There are days where life is so busy, that he only has time for a quick kiss and a snuggle. But he is a wonderful dad! DD loves him to pieces....

[doeeyedgirl]

DH is actually a step-dad to both of my kiddos, however, he is called 'daddy' by my youngest, since his donor has never been around. For having rarely ever been around kids and being thrown in the midst of our family life, he is absolutely wonderful. I couldn't have asked for better. He currently works nights, but he is up in the a.m. with them so that my youngest only has to do part-time daycare. He takes them to all sorts of fun places, wrestles with them, offers for me to have my own 'me' time and is a great mentor. Like all of us, there are times where he just wants to relax and have his own time. (Now, if you were asking about housework, that'd be a different answer. LOL)

Have you tried writing down all of your thoughts, issues and feelings and then sitting down and having a serious discussion with him about all of this? Hash everything out or at least give him some things to think about. I can't stress enough that communication is key in every aspect of relationships. We struggle with this sometimes, but after we both have time to think about everything, we tend to come to quick resolutions to our issues.

Good luck and I hope things start feeling less stressed for you guys.

[jlschlangen]

My dh rarely tucks the kids in or does the nightly bed routine w/ them. He usually has supper w/ us as a family. He occassionally reads to them. He had a squirt gun fight w/ them the other day. That was fun to watch. He never makes ds's lunch for school. He rarely goes to watch on swimming observation days. He rarely cleans the house only does the outside jobs around the house. He doesn't like it if he doesn't have his nap on the weekends.