Spending time with DS

[apryllraye87]

Currently my ex is staying at his friends house until he finds his own place to live. As of right now I bring DS to our neighbors house in the morning and she gets him on the bus, and my ex gets him off the bus since he gets off work earlier than I do.

The arrangement we decided is that he will have him until I get home every day during the week (usually an hour or two, depending on if I am working OT or not). He has softball on Tuesday nights & class on Wednesday nights so his sister helps on those days. He is supposed to be taking him until bedtime on Monday & Thursday and then every other weekend.

He said he already feels like an inconvenience to the friends he is staying with and they have a large dog that does not like kids so they have to kennel him all night if DS stays there. However, he has been taking him overnight every other Saturday on 'his' weekends and then bringing him home Sunday afternoon.

This was working fine until last Thursday he had his sister get him off the bus. I don't know what he was doing, and I didn't ask because I don't care but I'm assuming he was drinking and watching the football game. Then Saturday he picked him up after his nap and brought him to a birthday party and was going to spend the night at some of our mutual friends house that also have 2 boys his age. Instead I found out on Sunday that he went out and had his sister babysit.

It's frustrating because DS is ALWAYS asking why he can't spend more time with his dad, and why he doesn't get to spend the night there. I don't want to talk badly about him but seriously!? He goes out basically every weekend and I don't understand why he couldn't spend ONE night him. Now he can't take him today either because he has a dentist appointment.

I know I can't control his behavior and obviously he can do what he wants with 'his' time with DS but it bothers him so much and I don't know how to get that across to him without lecturing or getting upset. I'm sure this is going to keep happening and I don't want to keep DS from him, but I don't want him to think he can just be a dad when it's convenient for him, either.

[bunsy]

I have no experience and no advice. But I send my positive vibes as you figure out this situation.

[laurac]

Something that my sister had to give up was being able to control what my ex-BIL did with her DD on his days he had her. Whether that meant getting a babysitter or working something else out when he had her. I agree with you, but this is his time that you have designated he can have your DS and it's his choice to spend it with him or not, but that's still his time. It's most definitely his loss and unfortunately, you'll hear about it from DS when he's feeling bad about his Daddy.

My one suggestion would be telling him that if at his designated time he won't be able to spend it with your DS, ask you first to be that backup. Instead of handing him off to his sister, he should ask you if you have plans. Or switch days, or something.

It's hard to let go of that control. At least you know DS is loved by his sister.

[doeeyedgirl]

I am so sorry you are going through this, as it is never easy. I remember having the exact same feelings when I was going through this with DS1 and his dad.

I agree with LC 100%. Even though it is hard, it is out of your hands and does you no good to stress about it. Per standard court suggestions, like LC said, request that you be the first to be that backup. I believe it is referred to as, Right to First Refusal in legal terminology.

Second, be sure that you tell DS that when he starts telling you these feelings that it is ok if he tells Daddy that he is feeling this way, too. And be sure to pass those discussions on to his dad when DS confides in you. Men have a tendancy to be selfish, so he may not know that the decisions he is making are effecting you and DS this way.

Hang in there and vent to us all you need. It IS frustrating that he doesn't cherish this time with DS as he should be.

[apryllraye87]

I wasn't even going to bring it up to him but then he text me this morning asking if my mom could get DS off the bus because he has a dentist appointment. Which he failed to mention until about 2 hours ago.

I just told him that DS will be upset and I told him last night that he would see him today and now he won't see him until Thursday. I also said that as soon as he got home on Sunday he asked me why he couldn't spend the night with his dad on Saturday and that he needs to communicate better with me so that I'm not telling DS things that he isn't going to follow through on. He replied that he was excited to see his aunt and that he didn't drop him off until bedtime and he picked him up in the morning before he woke up. The thing is that I personally don't care what he is doing but it affects DS a lot and he asks me every night when he gets to see his dad again.

He says he will dedicate his time to DS when he has him and that he'll communicate better with me but I'm not holding my breath. Ugh. I would imagine by the time someone is 27 years old they would be a little more mature but it's like ever since we broke up he's reverted back to high school.

And yes, I am happy that at least it was my ex's sister who babysat him and not someone else because she does love DS and he loves her too.

[bumblebee23]

I agree completly with LC.....she is a very wise women.

Sorry you and DS are having to deal with this. Sounded like things were working out great. I really hope for your DS's sake that he doesn't turn into one of those dads that is inconvenienced by his children. Hope you can figure something out and that the Ex stops being absent.

[ReneeW]

Ugh, that is tough. Hang in there. My only addition would be to maybe tell DS, "We're hoping that (__ what your ex said__) will happen, but we'll have to be flexible thinkers OK?" Since you know that your ex is not reliable, even if he has good intentions, just phrase it like -- this is a possibility but we're not positive yet if that will happen. Hopefully that would soften the disappointment for DS if your ex falls through. Or if it still is tough for him you could say honestly, "I know that your dad wants to spend time with you, we'll have to see how his schedule goes" or something to that affect. It's hard when they're little but maybe that would help?