Feeling forced to go....WWYD?

[doeeyedgirl]

Ok ladies, we all know that I am in the wonderful first years of marriage and my husband and I are working adamantly at reorganizing our lives to mold it into one.

Here is a little bit of a background: Recently DH and I decided that we would NOT be travelling on Christmas Day; which means that he had to inform his mother that we would not be celebrating with them that day, however would love to celebrate on another day with them. She turned it into this huge issue, making DH feel super guilty, causing DH to ask me to sacrifice, which in turn turned into this massive argument. We have since worked things out and have stuck to our guns on this decision.

Fast forward a little, his family is having yet another get-together next weekend. (They have at least three - four a month and we go to every single one, which means two hour total trip time each time). Anyway, I asked my husband nicely if I could skip this one event. It's a potluck kind of thing, they call a Booya. I don't care for the food and I just spent last weekend with all of them. I could imagine 50 other things, including homework, that I could do to pass the time. My DH claims I am just avoiding the event because I don't want to deal with his mother. That may be a plus, but is nowhere near the reasoning.

He's basically telling me that I have to go. I am feeling forced, which makes me even more upset that I have to go. I go to every get together with him. I just want one 'get out of jail free' card. Instead he gives me an ultimatum, "Call and talk to my mom or go to the booya". I don't know what to do, ladies. I am very head strong and when someone tries to push me, I tend to push back harder. This all started out as an innocent request and has manifested into this huge 'discussion'.

Do I cave and go and not enjoy myself? Do I go and say that I will go to this one event, because for some reason it seems so important to you, but the next one I get to sit out? What would you do???

[onlyoneboy]

That's a tough one, but, I know how you feel. DH's mom does the same thing to him. You need to pick your battles. What about DH goes and you stay home. Tell him you really need to get some stuff done around the house and could get so much more done with him not there. If you have to call you MIL call her and politely decline the invite but tell her you look foward to visiting with her at another time.

I can tell you right now this will be a battle for the rest of your life. What is it about men and the need to please their mom's?

[doeeyedgirl]

I've tried explaining that to him, Gwen. Many times. He just seems SO adamant that I go to every thing with him because he enjoys seeing his family with his family.

Oh, I have no idea what it is about that! I bought a book to try and help me understand and guide me through the process of these changes because I just don't understand it!

[onlyoneboy]

My DH is the same way. I finally found a friend of ours (male) that could talk to him and explain it to him in a man point of view. That friend basically told him he was now married and had to start putting his wife (me) before his mother if he wanted to remain in the marriage. For some reason my DH seems to understand it if it's coming from a 3rd impartial party.

[healerarina]

So they get together every weekend? That seems like a bit much. Plus a hour drive each way? That is a lot if gas. My mom was stock like this in her relationship with my dad's family. He never took my mom's side, which just made her angry and resent him.I would be pretty ticked off if i had to go every weekend to a get together. Or even every other weekend.
I think he should be a little more understanding of you and your needs, not just his mom's.

[sarahisis]

but didn't you have plans to spend the day with some MOMers next Saturday? lol And see little Ella?

[sarahisis]

if it were me with my husbands family, I'd say simply, I love them, but they exhaust me... and I will go to the next one, but this one I'm sitting out. Period.

[laurac]

It's def worth more talk. A sit down, even.
Honey, you know as well as I do that your family gets us together often. I can give you X many weekends a month, but I can't do all of them. I have homework, housework, groceries, etc. I simply can't be making that trip every weekend and still try to keep up with the rest of the things I have to keep up with. Not to mention it's expensive to go and we're tight already. This weekend is important to you, I understand this. Beginning in October, though, I'm going to have to start missing some of the weekends. You want a happy wife, right??

[dara1012]

I would have a conversation about how much you can do with his family each month. Tell him if they have 3 gatherings a month you can go to 2 one month and 1 the next month. Maybe he can choose which one(s) are important and you stay home on the others. If he wants to take the boys he can or they can stay with you.

IMO there is no way I would spend 3-4 weekends a month (even one day out of that many weekends) w/ my in-laws. DH used to complain when my parents visited 1x/month. They now come once every 2-3 months (not b/c of his complaining, my mom's job changed). Between my parents and my brother's family we typically see my family once/month and his family once/month. That leaves 2 full weekends for friends, us, etc. I'm in school so it's easier for me to say "no" but you need to set some expectations now or it will never change. Good luck!

[doeeyedgirl]

And this is why I love you ladies and having this site. Thank you for your support and suggestions.

*And yes, Sarah, I need to get over and snuggle that baby!

As much as I don't want to, I think that I have decided that I will be going to this event. But we will be having the discussion that I will not be expected to attend all of these and that if he wants to go, then more power to him! I think the thing that bothers me most about it was that I wasn't given the option. And when that's all I asked for, then I was given an ultimatum. I don't like things being handled that way and I especially wouldn't force someone to go to something that they have expressed that they didn't want to.

I wish I had a third party that could explain this to him, but I don't have one. DH has friends, but nobody that is that close to him. And I honestly don't think that his brothers would understand where I am coming from either because that is how they were raised, too. I know in time DH and I always work things out. I just hate that it has to come to butting heads like rams because we are both so headstrong.

[laurac]

You might want to mention that whole ultimatum thing, too. That you would never do that to him and you just ask for the same courtesy.

[quirky22]

This is something that bothers me about my bro, and his DW. They don't go ANYWHERE w/o each other. Sometimes I want to spend time with JUST my bro. Say no. You don't HAVE to go. It's optional IMO. Good Luck.

[deannemdm]

I get passive agressive-- I would bring my laptop and do schoolwork in a corner-- tell everyone that he made me come and prove to him that I do have stuff I need to get done.=== In my mind at least I would want to do that....maybe if talking doesn't work?

[ReneeW]

I agree with the ladies that every weekend is extreme. Weekends are precious and as busy moms there's a LOT of stuff we need to get done on the weekend, that's just the way it is. I agree that you should go to this "Booya" to keep the peace but soon have an open, honest discussion about what is realistic so that you have a decent "life balance" on the weekends. Sure, it's fun to see extended family on occasion. But not at the expense of your sanity!!

[doeeyedgirl]

I'm so glad that I am not overthinking and overreacting. It helps to know that. Part of my anxiety is that I over-analyze everything, so I sit here and think about what he's asked and what I've said and if this is a big deal or not a big deal. Part of me wants to stomp my foot and say, 'No'. The other part thinks about everything he does for me and to cave. He seems to think that this has something to do with his mother, but I have tried to reiterate to him that it is nothing of the sort.
So, in the long run, I have decided that I would go. But I told him that I was doing so because I didn't want his family to think that I was avoiding them (thanks to his mother involving all of them in the xmas drama) and that I get one 'get out of your family's event free card'. Ultimately it comes down to the fact that I don't want to disappoint him and that we only get two days a week to spend together. I hate to waste those.