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Post by apryllraye87 on Oct 31, 2012 11:50:31 GMT -6
Since we broke up my ex has rarely taken DS. He's taken him overnight twice in 2.5 months and the second time he got a babysitter and went out anyway. He's gotten him off the bus a few times but always drops him off or makes me come get him as soon as I get off work. When we were together he was always a good dad and he was around all the time so that is was DS has been used to for the past 5 years. It's very confusing for him and hard for him to understand and he misses his dad a lot.
It has been 2 weeks since my ex has seen DS and he text me this morning asking if he could come see him tonight for trick-or-treating. My initial reaction was to say no, that he doesn't get to be a dad just when it's convenient or when nothing else is going on. But then after I thought about it for a while I know DS misses him and would love to see him. It's sad when we hangout with my friends because I can see that it's hard for him to see his friends with their dads and he will make comments like "my dad plays with me like that too!" or "my dad's taking me to a football game!" (empty promise from weeks ago).
Some people have told me to let my ex see DS when he wants to and that as DS gets older he will realize for himself what is going on. And that if I don't 'let' him see DS then DS will end up resenting me and thinking that it is my fault he doesn't have a relationship with his dad.
Other people have told me that I need to cut him out and DS will get used to not seeing him instead of seeing him for a while, and then not seeing him for a long time again.
What would you do?
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Post by onlyoneboy on Oct 31, 2012 12:00:19 GMT -6
I have no experience in this but, if it were me I would ask DS what he wanted. Explain that ex might not be there all the time or when DS want's him there, but he is there occasionally and let DS make the decision.
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Post by laurac on Oct 31, 2012 12:15:41 GMT -6
I would let him see him. You know right now that your ex is not in a good place. That's not DS's fault and he's the one that would suffer for it, not your ex.
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Post by doeeyedgirl on Oct 31, 2012 12:46:42 GMT -6
As hard as it is, you have to let him see him. This will not only protect you legally (heaven forbid it should come to that) but it will also allow DS to make his own opinions. Unfortunately this means that you have to be the one to pick up the pieces when your ex makes those empty promises, but eventually DS will learn and knows that you were always there to make him feel better and to follow through.
I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. It is never easy, and I have been in these shoes more times than I have wanted, but it does get better and it does get easier (no matter which way it should go).
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Post by bumblebee23 on Oct 31, 2012 13:27:05 GMT -6
Is his request just to join the two of you for trick or treating or wanting to take him on his own without you?
If it is to join you I wonder at his motives right now considering he was texting you and flirting with you. If is is to go without you where you looking forward to taking him trick or treating yourself? Is it a big deal if you don't take him? These are all things you should ask yourself first. Then you need to talk to the Ex and tell him that even though he might be having a hard time with whatever right now he can't just be dad at the last minute and/or whenever he feels like it. Let him know how hard that is an your DS and that he doesn't deserve to be treated that way. Then you can let him know that this time you will let it slide and he can take DS out tonight or tell him no, next time give me more notice.
I know I didn't really give you an answer but hopefully some of the stuff I mentioned helps.
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Post by apryllraye87 on Nov 1, 2012 10:35:32 GMT -6
Well I ended up just telling him where we would be and at what time. He text me on my way back from work and asked me to have DS call him. He didn't show up to trick-or-treat (no disappointment to DS because I didn't tell him in the first place) and when DS called him he didn't answer. He left a voicemail and of course he didn't call back.
At bedtime he said "daddy probably just listened to my message and said 'I don't want to talk to him!' and erased it!" I told him daddy was probably just sleeping (not) and would get his message today. Still haven't heard a word from him so I'm hoping DS will forget by the time I get home from work, but I doubt it.
Pretty pathetic that I can't even tell him to call his dad now without me calling first in order to avoid more disappointment.
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Post by laurac on Nov 1, 2012 10:47:27 GMT -6
You did the right thing in not telling DS to avoid further disappointment. You're doing a great thing, Apryll, and are putting your DS first.
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Post by dara1012 on Nov 1, 2012 11:12:04 GMT -6
Sorry that DS's dad is not doing his part. If he expresses interest in seeing DS I would keep being open to that, but not tell DS. In time DS will see if his dad is involved or not.
You are doing a great job of always putting DS first.
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Post by bumblebee23 on Nov 2, 2012 14:38:23 GMT -6
That is just disgusting and wrong. There is only so much you can do to help him be a part of your sons life. It's sad that he doesn't seem to want to right now. He should realize what he is doing to his son. It's not fair to your DS but if this continues he will learn he can't depend on his father and the disappointment will be less.....will still sting some and the wishing things where differant never really goes away. The only thing you can do for him is be the best mom that you can be. Stay strong and just let your son know that he is the best kid ever and that you love him more than anything!
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