What to do when your parent's lives are crumbling

[ilovemybooboo]

Sad. That's how today is going. My family which was once happy and healthy and growing is now crumbling at the seams. My sibling's and I are in our 30's with our own little families and our parent's are in their 60's. Five years ago my mom went into a sudden depression. We struggled trying to find the right meds/treatment for her for 2 years when one treatment finally sprung her out of it suddenly. Thankful that she was somewhat "back" we let her do her own thing (spend money, gamble, have fun) since she didn't spend ANY money for the two years she was depressed. And during that time we had to make the decision for her to retire her from her 20-year job that she loved, because they just couldn't hold it for her any longer. My dad has his own business which my mom was always the one to handle the bills, etc. on top of her other job. My sister tried to keep up with things when my mom was depressed, but when she came back we thought mom was ok to handle things. After 2 1/2 years of being "back" a month ago she suddenly fell into depression again. It's like she's in a shell with no emotion and no way of taking care of herself. We have to remind her to take a shower, change clothes, and we go to their house everyday to give her her meds. We finally went through her "junk room" which she never let us in the past 2 years because she said there were christmas presents, etc. It was completely FULL of toys, clothes with tags on it, and bills and statements for their personal bills as well as my dad's business. We are slowly finding out that my mom spent a LOT of my dad's business money which was already struggling because of the economy. Today my sister called me and said that she talked to my dad last night and he confessed that he has thought of suicide (not to mention that his cousin/best friend committed suicide in July). He said after his cousin did it he was very sad, but hasn't thought of doing it again for the past few months. My sister had to break the news to him that my mom spent a lot of their money while in her "manic" phase and we are trying to convince him that it's time to semi-retire and sell a lot of his heavy equipment and some of his land that he owns. It's extremely sad to think that my dad spent his entire life making a well-off business and it comes to this. I am just at a loss for words on what our next step is. I'm bringing my mom to the doctor tomorrow to find out what treatment we should do for her. But honestly I'm more worried about my dad and his business and the future of their house they built 30 years ago to live on for the rest of their lives. How do we (as their kids) fix this? I'm a fixer/controller and I just feel like it is so overwhelming that it's unfixable. Ok. I'm done crying for the day and need to get my mind off this for a few minutes, but I'm hoping and praying that someone out there has some advice for this.

[dara1012]

I really wish I had great advice for you. But I will offer my prayers.

Someone I supervise has a parent who is bi-polar and I have spent a lot of time listening when her dad is in his manic stages. He can't hold down a job and when he is manic spends way too much money and has but significant burden on her mom. What has helped the person I supervise is to go to counseling herself and I know her mom does too. Maybe there is a financial adviser who specializes in small businesses and mental health of the owners.

[deannemdm]

If she is bi-polar... amke sure she is on mood stabilizers and not antidepressants (since she started as depressed that may be the case). Antidepressants could then bring out or make the manic phases worse.

Counseling can help for each of them (dependig on your mom's state maybe not as much) Also get her regular doctor to check out other possible reasons for behavior-- thyroid, low vitamin D

I just read somewhere-- that sometimes what is diagnosed as dementia or such is something microcephaly-- the brain not re-absorbing the fluid around it and may look like parkinson's or dementia? and it often goes undiagnosed (need MRI to see it I guess) but all this may be down the line? Best wishes on getting things under control-- but remember to take care of you too

[ReneeW]

Oh what a horrible situation for everyone involved. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.

I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted to say that I'll keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I agree that seeing a counselor who specializes in family members of those who suffer from manic-depression would be wise--maybe they'd have some good day-to-day advice for your family.

[momof3anddog]

Are you sure this is bi-polar/depression? Her age is right for it to be a lot of other things, which is why she might not be responding well to some of the drugs or they only worked for a short-time. She definitely could be bipolar, but on-set would usually be a lot younger, unless she has a mild case of it, that was somehow hit the depression in older age. Or it was medically managed all this time, until now. There are now several kids of bi-polar, so it could definitely be that. However, the spending spree, hoarding it in back room and locking it and not letting you know about it -- plus the age thing -- makes me think that it is something else. I'd take her to a neurologist as well as a doing the route you already are like the therapist. This "depression" might actually be masking a neurological issue that has been developing for some time and been "hideable" until the depression got worse. However, if you get her in sooner rather than later and rule that out/in -- you will be sure that she is getting the care and corresponding drugs she needs if there are any. You also will rule out her being made worse by the wrong drugs. I know that sounds really scary. But just knowing fully what is wong or isn't wrong -- will take a big load off of you and your father. He won't have to feel so hopeless. Neither will you. Because then you can plan for whatever it is. My family has gone through this with one of my aunts whose immediate family tried hard to figure out what was wrong with her. It was mismanaged as depression for years -- before it really became apparent that it wasn't depression -- it was memory loss. I also deal with this in my caseload of clients on a regular basis. It makes a big difference for all people that have a disease -- whatever it is -- can be slowed down/stabalized -- by the correct diagnosis and medication. That often includes seeing a neurologist. I hope that helps. I just don't want you to have to go through what my extended family had to go through -- it basically being too late for many of the possible options that could have helped her to be used. However, again, it might not even be that. But it would be good to know it isn't.

[bumblebee23]

Your mom sounds like she is doing very bad. Has the Dr suggested putting her into a physc ward for awhile? It may be good for her. The Dr.s can help her with treatments and therapy and there are nurses there to help her with the showering, eating, and taking her meds. Then at least you wouldn't have to worry about your mom for awhile.

I think if your dads only option is to sell of his business then maybe that's a way to go. Hopefully then they can get out of debt and set some money aside for their retirement. Also if you father ever talks about suicide again you need to either take him strait to a physciatrist or call 911. I know it's hard but I have had to do it with my mother several times because I knew it was the only way to get her any help.

Your situation is a bit differant then mine was. I know how stressful and sad these situations can be though and I'm here if you need to talk. Also check out Nami.com. They are a huge resource for mental illness and maybe you can find some resources you can use. (((HUGS)))