I feel like I'm going crazy

[Samantha]

Two things... first.. I have been obsessed with death. My own death, and even thoughts of my hubby or daughter dying and I get SO depressed when I think about it but I think about it a lot! I don't fear death itself, I fear being apart from those I love. I feel like I have so much to lose and that death can happen at anytime and is out of my control (mostly). Basically, I really really really love my husband and my child and i don't want to miss anything or be apart from either of them and its becoming my biggest fear.

Which leads to me having separation anxiety from my daughter. This has gotten so much worse since the Sandy Hook shooting, it just made me realize that when I'm with her i can protect but I do not fully trust anyone else to keep her safe so when she spends time at her grandmas or my husband takes her somewhere I just have this constant, nagging sense of dread. Its awful!

Has anyone else felt like this?

[lilmermaid]

I guess I would say I used to feel this way and sometimes I still do. I have experienced so much death in my life that I have gotten used to it or realized that I just need to rely on my faith to get me through it.
I have ups and downs where my DDs are concerned. I have good and bad days. I also have dreams that sometimes haunt me.
I don't really talk about it with anyone except through my prayers. I guess I feel when I talk about it with someone it may become a reality.
Growing up our high school dealt with many deaths between the 3 high schools. I think it was good in a way for us to deal with death at such a young age. We are stronger at dealing with death and the thoughts of death from our experiences.

[AuntSueto4]

{{{HHHUUUGGGSSS}}}

I'm not sure what else to say... Difficult situations...

Glad you came here for support tho'.

[ladyandrearose]

Samantha, my heart breaks for you! I have no wonderful words of advice or sage thoughts to pass on. I will pray for you! ((Hugs!))

[dara1012]

I haven't shared this with many people but one of my biggest fears about DS being an only child is that if something happened to him I don't know what I would do. Not that having another child would ever lessen the pain of losing one child, but at least I would have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I don't let this fear consume me, but I do think about it sometimes and it weighs heavily on me when dH and i discuss whether to have another.

I try to balance that with being reasonable and rational and remembering that no matter what happens in my life, no matter who I lose, I have surrounded myself with wonderful people who will support me through tough times and I would do the same for them.

I hope you can find something to hold onto to ease your mind. Hugs.

[sarahisis]

I have been surrounded by death my whole life and it has never really been hard for me until recently....i wont letmyself fear it though.... because i want to live each day to its fullest and cant if its consuming me (even though lately it feels like it is)

I have separation anxiety with my kids too.. especially with Ella. And with all that has happened personally and nationally, its hard not to feel a heightened sense of awareness.... I feel vulnerable everywhere I go now, especially when I'm out and alone with a baby and a toddler... and for me it started with the movie theatre shootings. I'm really trying to move forward from all the national tragedy and remember that it is not as common as it may seem and that I can't let fear control me otherwise I may never leave the house.
talking about it helps...

[ballerinamomma]

With my niece passing away, I live in fear of DD dying. I still cosleep with her. I have no idea what I would do without her. And I constantly wake up at night to check on her.

Sarah- we are about 15 min from that theater. I still haven't been able to go to a movie yet. And I'm also extremely aware of others when I'm out shopping and such. So sad.

[laurac]

Samantha, I hope getting it out here has helped you somewhat to understand you are not alone and some fear is always a good thing. I know you know this, but it's not healthy to let it dominate your life. Nor is it healthy for your child for you to dominate hers either.

Everyone has their reasons for being protective of their children. ie; many deaths, national news events, SIDS, etc. There is always a line and a healthy place to be. I hope you find that place.

[ilovemybooboo]

I had a bit of anxiety a month ago when the Cold Spring police officer was shot and killed. I am a police wife and went to his funeral. I could not shut my brain off for 2 weeks after that, just thinking, what if that was my husband? As time goes on, and he still goes to work, life gets back to "normal" and active, but there's always a lingering thought in my mind. I just trust that things happen for a reason and we are stronger from our experiences.

[alipski]

You really aren't alone. We should get together soon to chat. You're not crazy, lol. This is much more commen than you think! Hugs dear!

[momof3anddog]

I too have been surrounded by death my whole life -- as I was adopted into a much older than all my friends' family. So people got cancer or died in an accident and other close family members very regularly died in my childhood. However, that is not the reality for a majority, it really isn't. My husband, for example, had his grandfather live to 98, and his grandmother who is a few years younger, is having her 100th birthday in April. She has other siblings that are still living as well. Very few people die in in his family ever. I also think that is unusual.

However, I think what part of the problem is that the media covers every friggen terrible thing that happens everywhere -- especially lately. And I think they have to do that. But I do think it makes you paranoid and makes you think that Columbine, Sandyhook School Masacres, Mall and Movie Theatre shoootings, and the man who burned down his neighborhood and killed police and fireman 1st responders and his sister, sound like that is happening all the time everywhere. They even assign "titles" to it like "Sandyhook Massacre". I am not minimizing that it appears to be happening more and more and that it makes us feel less in less in control of our own immediate family or children's safety. Because I feel that too. For example, the day before Christmas Eve, I had to run to Wal-mart and get a couple small presents and some last minute items for making Christmas Eve dinner. I took my daughter with me. Two women started loudly arguing about a parking space through their car window doors at each other. I spontaneously ducked with my daughter behind another parked car and quickly went around a different way than walking right by the women. I would never have done that before the recent events of the last month or so. But I was just thinking, "what if one of those women is so mad she has a gun and does something stupid? My daughter is with me so she can get a christmas present for her father. Oh No." Real fast at warp-speed I thought that and before I knew it I went behind a large SUV and walked down a different lane of cars to the Wal-mart front entrance. Couldn't believe I did it. Couple getting out of the SUV asked me if everything was all right. I said yes, but didn't want to walk by the women yelling at each other about a parking space. They quickly went the other way too.


But I do think that for how populated this Earth is, that if you think about it, it probably doesn't happen as much as we think. Lots of people live for a very long time. Lots of people even through strange circumstances, some of them horrible and some of them just weird, live just fine. I truly try to remember that with all the media messages that portray the exact opposite and the personal stuff I am going through right now with my friend and her child. I really really try to do that. Otherwise, I just think you can get yourself to the point that you won't leave the house, or you won't let your kids outside without you hovering right over their head, or you let it go, but you have worry/anxiety until it shuts you down.

It is a fine line between being safety conscious and it turning into an anxiety disorder. It really is. And the way we use media nowadays -- I phones and pads, tweetings, facebook, and even plain old TV and radio, it is very easy to cross that line and get paranoid and believe something evil is about to happen every friggen single second of every friggen day to someone and therefore law of averages is that it is going to happen to you. That I don't believe. I just don't. I hope that helps rather than makes it worse.

I just cannot live my life waiting for the next disaster to happen. I just can not. Otherwise I might as well hole up with a big machine gun and buy freeze-dried food and live up in a moutain cave somewhere. No thank-you. Like it right here in my city where I am right now with the neighbors and friends I got. And I'm sorry to tell you, I kinda like living (and being able to laugh and smile sometimes).

I really hope that doesn't sound all social worker and preachy. I sometimes worry that I come across that way -- when I really don't mean to.

[Samantha]

I try to rationalize it and I KNOW the media is cause for it because its big news when children are hurt or honorable people get hurt. I try to avoid the news but I always hear about it from someone and it makes me so nervous. It doesn't help that my mother in law lets my dd play outside... alone or with another 4 year old. I've stopped letting her go over there by herself when the weather is nice, which sucks because my mil totally loves my dd but its too unsafe and she's proven to be untrustworthy when it comes to respecting our wishes.

I just try to keep my head straight, give dd as much information as I can to protect herself (considering her age), and thank God she's alive and healthy.