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Post by sharon on Aug 1, 2012 19:58:13 GMT -6
Gender Straitjacketing is a term coined by Dr. William Pollack in his book, Real Boys, for the narrow parameters of stereotypical behavior that are sometimes pushed on people as the only acceptable choices based on that person's gender.
I find I run into this far more with strangers than with people I know. Sometimes strangers take it upon themselves to try to force their own narrow rules about gender on to my son and I always try to intervene to protect him when this happens.
I have tried being direct with others, and direct with him and naming silly rules for being just that, and all of that has helped at times. I have given him the words to respond appropriately, and have done so on his behalf. But I have found that humor actually works the best. When I can comment on the ridiculousness of what someone is trying to push on him, he can laugh and the stupidity and this seems to help. But sometimes he is still very concerned about what others might think.
Have you experienced this? What has helped your child when sexist remarks or gender straitjacketing are pushed on them?
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Post by dara1012 on Aug 1, 2012 20:16:07 GMT -6
So far we haven't experienced this. DS does a lot of things naturally that fit the boy stereotype, but he also loves to play with dolls/house and enjoys taking care of "his babies" which is probably a more stereotypical girl activity. I have never heard anyone say that he shouldn't play with dolls or take care of his babies b/c he is a boy. He has started to comment that girls like pink, to which I have encouraged him that boys can like pink too, now that he is in a preschool environment I think he is paying more attention to how girls and boys dress differently, but so far hasn't altered his play or interests.
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Post by sharon on Aug 1, 2012 20:26:14 GMT -6
I'm glad to hear that! I hope that freedom continues!
The first hint I had of this, I think, was when Ian was 2 1/2 and I started noticing that he always talked to people he didn't know well about trains and cars. He was always very social and wanted to engage adults in conversation wherever we went, and I guess he figured out that was what got adults to react positively.
One day, walking into his preschool, we encountered a woman who we often walked into the building with. She worked in another part of the synagogue where his preschool was, and we often arrived at the same time, and so they had become 'parking lot buddies," chatting as we all walked in together.
On that particular day, his self editing was so striking, b/c he had spent the whole car ride talking about playing with his kitchen toys. He had set up a birthday party tea party for his toys the day before and we had so much fun pretending. He was very excited about it and was planning to jump right back into that play scheme after school. In the middle of planning all this, he saw this woman, and as she approached he stopped mid sentence and said to her, "I like trains."
She and he chatted about trains and then she commented to me something about how little boys always like trains, no matter what you expose them to, and I said "Actually..." and shared with her what had transpired. She was clearly shocked, but took in the new information. The fact was he DID like trains, but that he also clearly felt that he could only discuss certain interests with "outsiders."
He was 2 1/2! This just made me so sad.
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Post by cakemakermom on Aug 1, 2012 20:38:51 GMT -6
The only place I have an issue with it is when we go out to get whatever "kids meal" for them and half the time the server doesn't even ask which toy they want. I think part of my issue is that back in the day when I worked at one of those places they were trying to be politically correct and we were supposed to ask "doll" or "car" or whatever toys there was a choice of. Now they are so lazy in their teaching the cashiers to look at which toy is being offered and having them ask "boy" or "girl" toy. Now my kids would normally go for the natural gender related toy as they are very much like the gender they were born, but it really ticks me off that I have to pause and ask what toys are being offered, sometimes my son like the thing with the art pad and stamps more than whatever monster/car related thing being offered and sometimes my daughter would rather have the Transformer than the doll. I just dislike the assumption that based on their gender that they would prefer one type of toy over the other.
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Post by dara1012 on Aug 1, 2012 20:43:30 GMT -6
That is really interesting that he was self-editing at 2 1/2. I'll have to keep my eye out for that.
DS won't really talk to people he doesn't know, and often takes a long time to talk to people he does know if we are not in our home, but so far he is willing to talk about whatever he is currently playing with which can range from Star Wars to trains to toy food to his babies.
Every once in awhile he will make a stereotypical comment about what boys do or what girls do (in relation to a career), but I always remind him that boys and girls can both do whatever they want when they "grow up". I think it helps that his grandmother is a minister (and so is the minister at our church), his doctor is female, my cousin and her husband are both police officers and I am glad that this fall he will have a male teacher so some of those long-standing stereotypes that still exist in society in terms of careers for men and women are not a part of something he sees.
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Post by sharon on Aug 1, 2012 20:51:59 GMT -6
That's great! And I'm sure it helps that he has such a range of models.
A few years ago out of nowhere Ian said, "Only men can be doctors." He must have heard someone else say that and just repeated it. I thought for a second and said, "Um...have you EVER seen a male doctor? Your pediatrician is a woman. Your eye doctor is a woman. Your dentist is a woman. MY doctor is a woman." And we both just started laughing so hard.
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Post by dara1012 on Aug 1, 2012 21:36:55 GMT -6
LOL Sharon - that is so funny that all the doctors in his life are women and he would repeat that.....but also sad at the same time that there is still that notion that only men can be doctors when it clearly isn't true.
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Post by betherin on Aug 1, 2012 23:50:34 GMT -6
We just ran into this a little on our family vacation. DS1 is 2 1/2 and loves to wear jewelry, pretend to put on make-up and get his nails painted. I got a pedicure before our trip, so naturally DS wanted his toes painted too. He is so proud of them, but when his cousins saw them (ages 3 and 5) they immediately told him that "paint" is only for girls. My sister (their mom) also made a disapproving face. I immediately jumped in and said anybody could paint their nails if they want and luckily DS didn't seem phased by it at all.
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Post by danikasmom on Aug 2, 2012 6:21:04 GMT -6
I have see this in the childcare I worked in. I had a few dads get mad at me for playing dress-up and house with their sons. I had been asked to not let them playing in that area. This was only 7 years ago. My response was they are learning how to be great dads when they were playing house. I would always let them know that dress up is a great way to role play.
My youngest DD loves train and for her birthday told people she would love trains and no one believed me. They wanted to buy princess things, which she loves to, but the one train set she got she wanted open right away.
On side note parents would always forget to bring extra clothes, so when a little boy would go through our extra clothes I would put a girl outfit on him and then that family would always have extra clothes in their bin. I would have parents get mad that they didn't have boy clothes on. I would tell them that they needed something and that was all we had.
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Post by sarahisis on Aug 2, 2012 9:35:27 GMT -6
I may be the odd one out, but it doesn't bother me... I have never thought twice at a restaurant when P was given a boys toy and not offered the other. I bought him a doll for Christmas last year and he wanted nothing to do with it... he loves his cars, trains, planes and construction vehicles, football and any other sport really... but has taken more interest in his little people lately.. the lady one is mommy, the man one is daddy, and the baby is baby and the boy is boy and the girl is girl... He's actually going through this thing now where he asks (while in public) "she a mommy? he a daddy?" He's never showed an interest in my jewelry or geting dressed up or nailpolish...though he does look at my painted toes and say "wow." lol
My husband and I come from a family where the guys build and ride harleys, ride the tractors, and fix cars....and the women, though they may work, take care of the kids, cook and clean... and host family parties
I think I sound jumbled.. .but my mind is fried as baby has not been letting me sleep at night lol... I think though, that my ds will grow up a boys boy.. and I'm ok with that.
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Post by healerarina on Aug 2, 2012 9:59:35 GMT -6
My DD1 likes a lot of "boy" things. She loves her twins T-shirt, which has hearts on it, and her baseball hat. When she wears this, I get strangers calling her a boy all the time. She also has a dinosaur shirt she loves, but again, people think she looks like a boy. It could be that I keep her hair about chin length because otherwise it goes in her mouth. When people ask her name and she lets out a huge Collette, they get confused. She plays dinosaurs and trains and cars, but she often will do so in princess dress-up. She likes dolls and kitchen as much as any other little girl, and she also loves wearing dresses. So what if over half the time she likes the 'boy' toy in her kids meal. She is 4, almost 5.
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Post by sharon on Aug 2, 2012 15:00:21 GMT -6
Sarah - I think it hasn't bothered you because what is being pushed is what works for and interests your son and family anyway. And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with fitting the stereotype - it's just annoying when it's pushed on those it doesn't fit IMO.
My son is very well-rounded too, like healerarina's kiddos. He really has range, is what I often say. He likes some stereotypical things (building, science, spies/agents, martial arts, knights) and some not stereotypical (dance, anything sparky or glittery or beautiful, dolls, long hair, American Girl).
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Post by lilmermaid on Aug 2, 2012 15:35:35 GMT -6
I always say my DDs have the perfect balance.....they love their AG Dolls, Barbies, Princesses and everything that's glittery and sparkly BUT they also love wrestling, fishing, TMNT, Batman, GI Joe, matchboxes and so on.
It doesn't really bother me when people make those types of comments either or at McD's when they assume the girl toy. I think some people don't realize they are pushing the stereotype when it's just how they were raised but then there are people who really do push their opinions.
At DD2's preschool Mom's Day they had washing dishes in the sensory table. I really wanted to speak my mind about that gender stereotype but held my tongue. I was a little ticked, the last thing I wanted to do at Mom's Day was dishes!!!! I hate washing dishes!!!!
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Post by alipski on Aug 3, 2012 10:17:33 GMT -6
I never ran into a problem with this with my Son, he's always liked music, art, games etc. He's never really been a sports kid. He likes to shoot hoops but doesn't seem to care for the competitiveness in the teams he's played for. He played rec center teams but never wanted to push that further. However, I look at my husband now and it makes me wonder if my son will be like him or run into issues like my husband does. (I would be thrilled to see my son be like my husband, I just wonder if he will run into the same thing in social situations as my husband does.)
My husband was like my son when he was a child, more into drawing, art, music etc. He notices now that because he isn't in to sports and likes wine instead of beer and isn't really an aggressive, rough talking type like a lot of me are, in social settings, he doesn't feel he really fits in anywhere. He finds that chasing after the kids and playing with them while I socialize is better for him because he doesn't have to act interested in things he is not and he truly enjoys it. He actually gets along great with all my girlfriends and they love that he chases after the kids and comment on what a great Dad he is. I completely agree but it's so funny how women seem so shocked at a Dad/Man that is interested in what they have to say, and likes to help with dishes and the kids. They tell me how lucky I am and I know I am however, I feel that we just have equality in our relationship and it shouldn't be considered rare. that was a lot of mumbling but I just think it's so strange how gender roles have been so ingrained in our upbringing.
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Post by supermommy on Aug 3, 2012 10:34:11 GMT -6
I have two boys boys who like to play with dolls and kitchen sets. I purposely buy them toys for both genders so they don't grow up thinking it has to be one way or the other. Barbies are for boys too. Do my two boys choose dirt and dump trucks over dolls? Yes...but that doesn't mean they don't enjoy giving dolly a ride in the truck, haha.
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